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 Rica Talks
Rica
 Posted: Apr 9 2016, 12:54 AM
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So I finally made one of these namely because I need to get things out I can't really say for various reasons

I feel so alone sometimes.

I am not my best friend's best friend and no one seems to care how much that hurts me sometimes.

More than that my best friend doesn't even want to accept this as truth. Insisting how much I matter then doing things that make me feel so left out and alone consistently.

I feel like I'm the only one that makes an effort to spend time with anyone. No one reaches out to me.

But I'm so scared of actually being alone that I can't stop trying, even though it hurts feeling this way.

I don't know what to do anymore.

They said nothing would change when they started dating.

They fucking lied.

Nothing changed for them but everything changed for me and I'm apparently the only one who notices it.
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Rica
 Posted: May 26 2016, 11:30 AM
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Time to amuse myself further. Might as well type up an update to this thing.

Not all is lost. I'm feeling better these days than that low point I had before.

My family is coming up from Texas, my parents are are dating each other (weird), and I'm honestly...happy?

It's very strange. I felt so lost and out of control before and now I can have my best friend admit he wants to propose to his partner and I felt little more than a twinge of envy.

Because most of all I want that. It's a small raw point knowing after two years single and alone all I have is one shitty date to show for it.

All because I'm not straight. So I won't go out with any random guy who asks me to dinner.

And I'm not your stereotypical skinny lesbian. I'm pudgy and soft and beautiful in my own right but I'm not the stereotype.

And I think that influences things a lot. I reach out but get ignored. I'm not moping, so much as observing the truth. There are a lot of biases, even among the queer community.

But even with all that I look at my little fish, Carlos. I look at the TV playing one of my favorite LPers and I look at my life as a whole.

And I'm happy where I am. A little lonely. But happy.
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Rica
 Posted: Jun 11 2016, 10:56 AM
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So I guess this is becoming somewhat more regular. I've been very busy this past week between work (my manager(technically not but that's the best way to describe his role) has been on vacation and my family was in town, as I explained before.

It was fun, honestly. My cousin graduated with a fancy dancy silver cord (which means she got somewhere between a 3.0-3.8 GPA) and she had a Harry Potter themed graduation party which means I got to eat cupcakes with mandrakes in them, caramel filled snitches, and chocolate frogs. Genuinely surprised they didn't make Butterbeer since it's not that hard tbh.

Seriously go look up a recipe.

After that I spent the night over there and hung out inside with the kiddos, a seagrams (Jamaican Me Happy is best flavor), and my laptop. I love my family but I wasn't feeling the whole 'drinking many alcohol and surrounded by people' thing. No one commented so I'm glad everyone understands it's not personal.

It's good I was there because I ended up having to show everyone how to do the candle trick to get the Wii to work because the wireless sensor bar they had broke in the middle of my cousin's Mario Party game.

We had breakfast burritos in the morning because my Aunt Kathy is the greatest.

I went home around 4pm, got a bit a playful ribbing from my cousins for leaving so early but I wanted to get home and relax before I need to go to bed.

A couple of days later we all met up at the ORIGINAL Grandpa Tony's, (It's...kind of like a Italian Diner, spaghetti and pizza yes, but also burgers and sandwiches) and I got to spend time with my niece and her mother. It's always a joy seeing them. Tori is ridiculously friendly and kind and I can definitely see what my brother sees in her. And my brother is a great 'stepdad' figure, he's wonderful with the baby.

Between that and stealing my cousin Christa's fries while waiting for my hamburger it was definitely a good trip. :)

And yet another couple days later on Wednesday evening I had the youngest sibs over for the night. We hung out, ordered pizza, and just goofed off. Evelyn played with the dogs mostly, but she loved her birthday gift. A Disney Storybook. And Johnny played a lot of video games and I gave him some of the install files for GOG.com games. I had already given him his gift, my old set of Harry Potter books earlier in the week.

Last time I got to see them was on Thursday. I was at work and they stopped by to say goodbye and get some gas. I got hugs and my mom nearly cried because I don't get to see them much due to the distance.

I should probably call more to be honest. But I just lose track of time so easily.

Speaking of it's Evelyn's Birthday and I should call them now to wish her happy birthday.

That concludes this look into my life and varied interactions? :P
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Rica
 Posted: Jun 13 2016, 02:23 PM
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So I feel like I have to say something. Especially after today.

Yesterday, when the news came out, I was in shock really.

Today?

I'm feeling so much. Too much.

I've fluctuated between sad and angry and frustrated and defeated....

There's so much emotion and too little of me to deal with it all.

A year ago we were celebrating the legalization of same sex marriage.

Now we're mourning the loss of some many queer people. 50 people confirmed dead, 53 wounded and possibly going to die.

This is horrible. All of it is horrible.

And the reactions are worse. Even those that mean well. Between the people cheering on the death of my people and the people using this incident as an excuse to be even more Islamophobic rather than admitting it's simply a hate crime, I want to explode on someone now more than ever.

I could touch on the media circus, I could touch on gun control and religion and anti-LGBT bigotry and all of it's influences. About how people who were so quick to politicize our bedrooms, our marriages and our bathrooms are now insisting that our deaths aren't important enough to be political about...

But I'm just tired. I'm so tired. Someone just stop the world. Because I want to get off. This ride isn't fun anymore.

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Rica
 Posted: Jul 3 2016, 08:01 PM
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Quickie update because I'm about to go to bed

No super new special news from me~

I've been going by my days with my normal bored ease

I've bought and been playing a lot of Skyrim lately~

Had the busiest week of the year, and survived it. tongue.gif Not dead.

Now I'm focusing on trying to get my permit because I'm sick of being unable to drive

My friend agreed to help me learn once I get the permit.

I also may be moving in with him come lease time.

I'm getting tired of living with this couple. I love them both but they're exhausting together as the only single person in the house.

Something they seem to forget.

I'm legitimately the only non-asexual and single person here day in and day out.

Seeing them all coupley all the time is exhausting

So yeah that's my rambly thoughts for the day


time for bed and sleeps
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Rica
 Posted: Jul 5 2016, 12:16 PM
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Okay fair warning this might be HELLA TMI but I need to vent somewhere I'm so frustrated right now.

Health related things and butts and periods

you've been warned

SO for the past couple of days I've been in moderate pain. There has been a throbbing hard lump right on the top of my buttcrack, just on the edge of my tailbone.

Yup. Best place for a cyst right?

Oh it gets better. Everything I'm seeing about this on google is telling me it's common but might require surgery.

GREAT

I have insurance but I don't know if this is covered and I don't have a primary care doctor to go get it looked at SOOOOOO idk

(it might be a pilonidal cyst. It might be just a boil. All I know is it's probably my own fault for being a lazy little fuck)

this is really fucking embarrassing one way or another.

Ideally I can treat this myself by keeping the area clean -glares at Michigan heat to fuck off- and hot baths

but I can't even do the hot bath because our bathroom has been invaded by sewer flies! Apparently when there was a leak upstairs they didn't actually fix it and the new maintenance guy came to look at it and he was pissed off

but mostly I'm pissed off because I've been avoiding my own goddamn bathroom because it's full of bugs.

And on top of all of this I started my period yesterday. So I'm in pain. Bleeding. And mildly hormonal.

Someone kill me

user posted image

EDIT: I guess I should add not everything is terrible. I got red, white, and blue daquiris yesterday as well as BBQ ribs and hung out with roomie's family.

THEN I finally worked up the nerve to ask roomie if I can buy the TV and bed I've been using from them so when I have to move I'm prepared with at least that much.
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Rica
 Posted: Jul 14 2016, 05:56 PM
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The greatest irony in my life is that the things that are supposed to bring me the most joy often end up being the things that hurt me the most.

My particular brand of fuck uppery has left me with the right type and amount of issues that has turned even the Pokemon Go release and rush of excitement into a sensitive point for me.

Seems silly perhaps but it's true.

For you see nothing is scarier to me than to be left behind, to be left out.

And that's exactly what's happening and it's tearing me apart inside.

All my friends have been running around doing the exact thing I've wanted in my life since I was 10...and I silently sit on the sidelines, with my dinky phone that's not good enough, not complaining at being left behind because they have every right to enjoy themselves without me being a damper on their parade.

Just suffering in near silence with joking self-depreciating comments that are the only way I can cope...

Even then I get snipped at for not just buying myself a new phone. A half rude comment to a small joke that stung more than I'd admit.

I could really but how my head works, after asking for a new phone from my family as a birthday gift, just buying one feels wrong

and I don't know how to word or explain this.

So silent I sit. Accept that perhaps I'm not actually wanted.

That even practical bribery in the form of a free meal isn't enough to keep my friends around me.

How do people make bonds with people who actually try to spend time with them? How does one do it?

How does someone make themselves matter enough that they are sought out, instead of always doing the seeking?

I didn't get a break at work today. The area where my cyst is/was is itching. I have no one to help me check it. And I'm crying.



But everyone else comes first.
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Rica
 Posted: Jul 21 2016, 10:10 PM
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Tired grumbling ahead

What happened to "I understand you have a hard time sleeping when people you arent super comfortable with are in your home'????

Because hello person I'm not super comfortable with yet hanging out in my living room while I need to go to bed.

Seriously my best friend has turned into a inconsiderate little fuck sometimes ever since they started dating their partner.

Not all the time and not awfully. Just tiny little shit like this.

It's like the minute someone else became the priority NO ONE ELSE'S NEEDS MATTER

fuck
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