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 BARBERBLOG, dear diary send help
knox
 Posted: Apr 27 2016, 03:09 PM
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i am on the line with NYU admissions. they do not give you music on hold so you are forced to listen to silence and the grind of your nails under your teeth. see, NYU likes to use scare tactics to browbeat their (future) students into submission. they are the autocrats of the NY higher education system spreading across the east village like a vast, sinister shadow.

i have reapplied to this university for some reason. i've yet to explore why. i suppose it has something to do with how desperately i want to get of CUNY (nyc's public university, which has its worth in certain areas, but really isn't a good fit for me.) to clarify, i attended tisch school of the arts at nyu for a semester before dropping out. about two years later, i returned to school at CUNY with a better plan: go to cheap college, transfer to expensive institution with scholarships. No debt, tears free. I am not learning anything new about the industry I want to go in, but I am earning credits. It’s something to do in the interim.

that's that, i guess. anyway, I still have a huge headache owed to the seven hours i spent in a k-hole on Monday night. If you’ve ever experienced lucid dreaming or been in a dissociative state, that is what "being in a k-hole" feels like. the after-effect is brain-fog and wobbly knees.

the best I can do today is pick up my prescriptions, go to the gym, read, write a little. Might even save the gym for tomorrow. So, nothing interesting to report today. NYU admissions counselor picked up and rushed me off the phone. i am free. i am going to put on clothes and see what happens.
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knox
 Posted: Jul 2 2016, 12:15 PM
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so i put on clothes, saw what happened. things did happen, and man, i haven't updated this blog in a long ass time.

i guess i go in chronological order, right?

~

MAY
- i got into the new school's film program and nyu's tisch school of the arts again.
- i gradjadated from my janky little community college with honors and earned myself a $17,000 dollar merit scholarship (per semester), which is incredible, but still nothing when you consider that tisch has equipment fees of up to $849 and additional fees of $2-5,000 for the first year, $5-15,000 for the second, and a solid $15,000 for the third. additional fees. y'know, on top of the ~$26,000 per term.
- i drank a lot. turns out i somehow still have plenty of brain cells to kill.

JUNE
- i began working for the remarkable penina roth at the franklin park and manhattanville reading series in whichauthors from big presses and small presses come read their shit to a live audience. i have met bernice mcfadden, rob spillman, angela flournoy and an editor for a public space who actually encouraged me to submit my work? the only book i have purchased at any of these events so far is dolan morgan's collection of short stories, insignificana, which i highly recommend! especially the story about a dying man who grows a self replacement out of his gushy insides.
- blah blah i stopped going outside for a while and used writing as an excuse. i am writing. i'm writing a lot. i'm also avoiding figuring out where the rest of my tuition is going to come from, managing fiscal responsibilities, pretending to care about said fiscal responsibilities, and why am i doing any of this anyway? it doesn't matter. i'm not. i have nothing, i am nothing, this is all nothing. if this is anything, this is boring.
- my mom went on a buddhist retreat to try to grapple with this idea she has of death. she is better. one might even say she is fine. yet, she feels she must face up to the dark angel. "your mother has always been a little out there." we are all panicking.
- on june 18th and june 30th i debate having a cigarette because she is not here.
- when i am not working i spend the better part of 5/7 days inside. i was half-joking when i told my friends "guys, i have reverted to my true form: reclusive and unhinged. it's kind of boring (if you leave out the paranoia part,) but man it saves so much money *ok sign emoji*"
- the paranoia was not so much a joke joke as a self deprecating truth. and the truth is
- i have started using again. i am breaking addies in half and pouring out the contents of vyvanse tablets into my coffee. i am shamelessly dissolving xanax and vicodin under my tongue in subway cars. i am snorting k off the back of a john wayne mirror.
- (why do you think i go by k on here? look at my username. now look at "I still have a huge headache owed to the seven hours i spent in a k-hole on Monday night" (POSTED: Apr 27 2016, 04:09 PM) now, what do you think really?)
-more truth: i am not going outside because i am still recovering from a week long bender.
- my tbi (of course and as usual) is worsened by all this. picture the inside of my head as no more than a few ashes for a cat to bat around. picture me pausing for hours during conversation, playing word association with myself in order to remember things. picture me trying to absorb new information. compare that image to the cross-eyed cat in a top hat with dementia batting around the ashes in my head. now try not to laugh as i attempt to fathom how i got just this stupid to begin with, and why can't i remember anything anymore, and why do i hyphenate words that do not need to be hyphenated, and why i suddenly have a tendency to go in and out of tenses like a woman with a time machine, why i am so unobservant, and narrow-minded, and intellectually lazy, and lame, and kind of an invalid, and letting events in my life just "unfold" instead of exerting any of the limited influence and control i have, and why i am making it worse? why am i so self destructive and so utterly childish in the process of it? "who is doing this to me?" like i don't remember that either. it's me. me, meet me.
- but wouldn't you know it? i was just so productive that other week; three photoshoots, six straight hours of editing footage, 34 pages of written work, a bazillion hours at the gym. it almost made me forget about that comma splice in my head.
- that other me is a go getter, uh-huh. zowie, i can't wait to get more pills.

JULY
- i'm tired
- on the 7th i am leaving for israel. alone. then i am going to greece, also alone. i am sure to meet many wonderful people and find myself in many strange, wondrous circumstances, but i intend to be alone for most of it. when i went to italy for two weeks last year i made phone calls and posted a facebook status to announce my departure. this year i might be gone for a month. we'll see. nobody is getting an update from me in 2016. like i said: alone.

~

that about sums up the past two months of my life. now i must leave you again. i must put on clothes and see what happens once more, not because i have to, or even because i want to, but because i still have that vitamin water bottle full of "orange aid" and vodka in the fridge and that is about as good of an impetus right now as i am going to get.
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knox
 Posted: Jul 2 2016, 01:27 PM
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0:05-:016, me^
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knox
 Posted: Jul 5 2016, 12:15 AM
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to my blog critic:
here, have some more.

~

july 4th-ish
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY

the juno probe successfully enters jupiter's orbit.
my friend finds a peculiar hair in my eyebrow.

~

peculier pub,
bleecker st


my friend nicole leans over with a dry martini in hand. she always asks for an extra olive. pointing the olive embellished toothpick at me, she says, "that's a weird looking eyebrow hair."

i get those sometimes. occasionally, an outlier grows in. they are sneaky, these strange hairs, and hard to catch. i tell her to pull it out. she puts down her drink, tugs on it, coils it around her plum tinted nail.

"wait, this one is weird." her mouth makes a surprised little "o." "it's long!" she stretches it out over the bar counter. "and grey," she murmurs, examining it closely. too closely. i pinch it between my thumb and my little finger to flick it away. a grin flickers on my lips.

"maybe i'm turning into a cat," i say.
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knox
 Posted: Jul 5 2016, 01:42 AM
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i'm baa-aack.

more bad news? say it ain’t so!

user posted image

yeah, well. whoever came up with the saying “anything is possible” was not fucking around. i’ve been finding myself saying shit like “what are the odds?” an awful lot lately and i'm getting the feeling that i should stop asking because if i continue i think the universe will continue to respond, “the odds? i’ll show you the odds.”

user posted image
figure a: universe showing me the odds

there’s no possible way both of my parents could ever be sick and completely out of their god damn minds, right? ohoho. i ask the universe, “what are the odds?” and the universe says, “anything is possible” and makes it happen.

this would be a perfect time to exercise some Xander-level introspection. this would be a grand opportunity to post a savvy and thoughtful entry ala Bird or any of you fine, brilliant bmers, but you know what? fuck introspection. first of all, i don't possess the grade of brainpower it would take to do that. i’ll be fortunate enough to wake up tomorrow morning and still know what my name is. secondly, i don’t want to look inside myself- head or heart. i don’t want to see what’s lurking in there (here there be monsters and whatnot). i don’t think i’ll like what i find! will i be able to put it back when i dig it out? likely not. thus i will relegate myself to platitudes and empty analogies and superficiality in lieu of meaningful self-examination. i don’t want to reflect. you know what i want? i want my 54 year old bi-polar father not to be homeless and wandering sin city un-medicated. i want my mother to not have stage 3 lung cancer. okay? i said it, universe. i hope you’re fucking listening. these are the things i want: i want my little brother to go away to uni, excel in his studies, and break his track pr without having to worry about what might happen while he’s gone. i want him to have fun. i don't want his first campus party experience to be him peering down the throat of a red solo cup like: "welp guess i know what i'll be having at the funeral."

you know what else i want the universe to know while i have it tied to the kitchen chair?

user posted image

~

as an aside, i met the person who shat on the BM blog subthread IRL (i don't believe it either) so unfortunately i cannot link any of you to their shit-talking. now you know, though: there are silk stockings in nyc who prowl the role play sites. also, according to said silk stocking if you are the kind of person who has an account on a post by post role play site you are not allowed to be sad. so bbs. a proposition: be sad. be very sad if you like. post all your feels sad or otherwise. back them up with poetry, or gifs, or memes. watermarks are encouraged. we have fans.
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knox
 Posted: Aug 31 2016, 01:36 PM
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well, well, well. hello hello. it's been a minute. i can't go into detail about all that's come to pass since july 5th because it would be like trying to recite an epic poem from memory and with no sirens or cool ships involved (and i also have to get to the gym.) however, what i can do is give ya'll the highlights. it saddens me to see that this thread has over 1,000 views while every post contains an arrogant 'woe-is-me' attitude about my life. that's lame. SO WHO'S READY FOR SOME GOOD VIBRATIONS?

The Top 5 Things That Have Happened/Happening in The Past 8 Weeks
because nice things have happening

5. work life leveling up.

i am beginning to discover ways of making dough while working less. BIG DEAL, kind of! i'm going to be taking on quite a course load and my financial situation will either make or break this semester. the word of the money gods seems to be tutoring. hello $54 dollars an hour and high school math. good-bye ridiculous homeric morning commute.

4. trip to israel.

the experience is really deserving of its own post. it was an eye opening, terrifying, and incredible three weeks. until i dig out and transcribe my travel journal, i'll just say this: plan your next trip to jerusalem. we can go on a barber tour of the old city and go clubbing on du nawas right after.

3. the bro going off to college.

WAUGH. my little man, all grown up and living in a 2x4. i helped him set up his dorm and we had lunch and shopped for mirrors. i cried for a day after returning home, but i'm happy for him. he's going to do well.

2. me writing a shit ton.

and i'm committed to it. my impatience has always been my undoing when it comes to my creative endeavors. if anything takes me more than ten minutes to complete i guarantee you i'll abandon it. then one day i'm like, well, what would happen if i put together an outline and sat down to write a 300 word minimum a day? is that a thing? it is and i finished something. lmao you guys are probably reading this and going "duh it's a thing." IT WAS NEWS TO ME, OKAY?

1. me being loan free

i do not have to take out loans to finance my tuition at columbia.

i do not have to take on crippling debt.

i do- all right, you get it. BUT I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

i guess i'd say i'm doing pretty swell all around. as long as i stay present and try to reconcile myself to the impermanence of things the 'bad' ones become less difficult to cope with. and there you have it! before i hit the gym i'll be here sending good vibes your way.

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knox
 Posted: Sep 15 2016, 09:31 AM
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lol i was talking to my boss about how fortunate i feel to have a few years of school under my belt and how my life experience may kind of give me an edge in a few of my classes and he's like "don't be cocky- don't overestimate yourself." okay. 1. i think i can handle eight 17-18 year olds thank you. 2. i am not overestimating myself or underestimating my classmates?? i am expressing confidence in myself?? is that really such a terrible thing? i said, 'give me an edge' not 'blow everyone out of the fucking water because i'm such a genius.'

-____-V

but yes- classes started last week and i am super stoked. i have already started working with a friend of mine on a short that we promoted during afropunk (afropunk is superr) and i've got some neat ideas and it will be NICE TO WORK/LEARN WITH LIKE MINDED PEOPLE.

other creative endeavors are currently on hold which always sucks but i know i can block them in if i make the time.

is this blog boring if i have nothing to complain about for 500+ words? i mean, i'm sure i could find something but

there is no drama in my life other than the usual junk- mom n dad, being tired, hour long commute on NON AC TRAIN CARS ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS THAT IS A HEALTH HAZARD.

so yadda yadda looking forward to autumn so i can get back into watching horror and gorging myself on candy corn. and not being hot.

ps: i have no sex/love life and i have never been happier.
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knox
 Posted: Sep 17 2016, 11:04 AM
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all right, fine. so that post scriptum is more a lie than anything else. i have been dating felicia, who i may have mentioned at some point. she's a lovely law student from new jersey. she has a great personality and a nice mouth. win-win for me. we kiss, we hold hands, and we trail our fingers up each other's thighs at the bar. we go dancing. we sleep in the same bed. i'd say we have a romantic friendship in the sense that while we have sentimental feelings and a physical attraction for and to one another, we don't have sex.

trigger warning? explicit content ahead? idek.

we have seen each other naked. i've pleasured her and her me, but this has not become the basis of our relationship. i'm not sure it's ever going to become a large part of our connection to each other and i am okay with that. i have had too many relationships (well, three) based on physical encounter alone and it gets tiresome after a while. what does one do when one is no longer attracted to the person in that relationship? or when the sex becomes boring, which it almost always does? go your own way. find someone else to fulfill those carnal needs. etc.

i've had it with all that. i think the affect it's had on me in the long run has more or less shattered my libido. i do not have the amount of energy it would take to satisfy another person's sexual appetite. i just... don't care. that's all there is to it. i didn't care about making my exboyfriend cock-happy, which became a roadblock between us. lest to say, he was not happy with me.

felicia is different. she seems to be content in fostering our friendship and kind of just having platonic fun. next week we are going to beauty bar to have cocktails and get our nails done. then we are going to dance and make out- and that's all. the whole silent 'promise' will not loom over our heads all night and we can just be.

my pal mish has joked about how it reminds him of the secret romances women shared during the 19th century when same sex relationships did not exist as an accepted social classification and physical intimacy among friends kind of fed into social anxieties. tho one could argue same sex anything may be considered taboo even now, i get what he's referring to. however, it's NOT a secret romance. i am entirely comfortable being with felicia out in the open. in fact, this is the first time in a while i want to get to know the person i am dating and not their nether regions.
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knox
 Posted: Sep 22 2016, 01:52 AM
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DAD MAN WALKING:

a man in his mid-fifties has gone for a walk and not returned. the double divorcee and father of four was recently escorted out of las vegas by his own demons. after losing his job at the little white chapel clinic it has been reported that the father agreed to move into the home of his estranged sister in fort lauderdale, florida until he can get back on his feet. at some point he was spotted purchasing a one way ticket at mcarren international airport. the witnesses have not been identified and have most likely moved on.

it has yet to be confirmed whether the father started his walk before or after boarding the plane in las vegas.

known for its terrible transportation system and worse food, the new york born once-chef made the nevada city his home for almost twenty years. the “strip” that hundreds of thousands of tourists visit each a year is actually south of city limits.

“las vegas isn’t even technically las vegas,” said an anonymous source. “it’s just a desert full of drunks, depressives, and people trying to get to california.”

“we should really all be happy for him,” they added. “i mean, it’s about time.”

when asked what spurred the father’s sudden departure, his demons refused to comment. however, there has been some speculation that the father's ill-advised decision to stay in vegas led to his second marriage and subsequent divorce. additionally, there have been rumors that link his reasons for leaving las vegas to everything from the denial of visitation rights with his three sons, to a broken down car, missed bill payments, and a jack in the box fajita pita.

“that’s one heck of a case of ADD,” said a friend.

the same friend told No News is Better News that the father asked ex-wife no. 1 if he could stay with her in new york city. sources state that she issued a hard “no.” his correspondence with his sister is suspected to be a last resort.

UPDATE:

No News is Better News has recently confirmed that the father had landed in florida some time ago, did some drinking, and got a bit rude before taking a left on hollywood avenue. his family members, who have attributed his erratic behavior to a long history of manic depression, are concerned for his safety and well being.

he has left behind a rio casino carry-on bag. whether or not he will return alive and well remains uncertain, but a neighbor believes that the father has embarked "on a pursuit of happiness."

"ya'll think he dead? this is america! he ain't dead," said glenn williams, who has exchanged greetings with the father on several occasions."he fed up, but he ain't really dead. ya'll just won't let him live."


^ when my father does something that disturbs me- and i mean to the extent that it makes my soul shudder- i write spoof articles.

a quick, not-as-funny recap: my dad got himself into dire financial and psychological straits (these p much go hand in hand,) moved in my with aunt, and went AWOL when the tension between them reached the point of bursting. his coping mechanisms are terrible and damaging to other people.

my aunt’s no prize either. i love her, but she’s kind of got this narcissistic complex. instead of going “oh shit my bipolar brother who might just be having a depressive episode went out for a day and left everything he owns behind in a shitty suitcase i should probably call someone who’s qualified,” she gets on the phone with me, and her every word is dripping with complacency as she goes, “oh yeah, btw I took your father in and he was not nice to me and then he left. isn’t he terrible?”

in those thirty seconds she has accomplished two things: 1) basically telling me she took dad in so she could pat herself on the back. 2) showing me she has no sense of sympathy wHATSOEVER.

i was floored. like, HOW IS SHE NOT THE LEAST BIT CONCERNED? but her bad behavior doesn’t cancel out his bad behavior.

what i have to do now is figure out what kind of state he was in when he walked out. apparently i have the uncanny ability to separate my dad’s personality traits from his clinical symptoms. there’s him being a dick and him being completely unhinged. see, he’s a smart guy, a real caustic sort. he’s lucid when he’s mean. he knows very well what he’s doing and saying. he knows it will hurt. when he’s in the middle of an episode, he’s caught in a web of delirium. nothing he says makes any sense. e.g. “I was misdiagnosed, I have ADD.”

so there’s your context.

(birb just posted in her blog so i have to stop writing this and go see what she's been up to <3___<3. i'm sure my father is okay! he's just throwing a dadtrum.)
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knox
 Posted: Sep 23 2016, 11:40 AM
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so my dad is fine. he moseyed on back to my aunt's house the other night like nothing happened. he's in a lucid state for the most part insofar as his explanation for walking out unannounced went something along the lines of "i hate you" and "did you know our old college buddy lawrence lives around here?"

apparently my aunt didn't want him to know about lawrence because, apparently, what happens when they hang out is a lot like what happens when you leave two badly behaved kids alone at home.

user posted image

dad is this petulant child who wants to hang out with the bad boy down the block and knock back some beers. only like... dad you are the bad kid down the block. also, you're grounded.

anyway, this week has been a bit of a bumpy ride for me. i've been excelling in some ways (at work, at the gym, at writing) and failing in others (sleeping well, thinking critically, being rational.) i had a really uh embarrassing experience where i blanked out in the middle of a class discussion. i didn't even know what was happening until i came to and everyone was like wtf just happened?

classmates: *staring*
me: "haha prof you should prolly get back to me sometime when i am ready to show my face in this room again" *awkward double hand gun*

i was pretty much on the verge of tears for the next half hour but i punished myself by not allowing myself to process my feelings afterwards. i left campus immediately and dove headfirst into rush hour, got home after about an hour of stewing in very intense feelings of shame, where i ultimately lost my shit. next day, i'm STILL dwelling on it. i'm so angry with myself. how could i do that?? how could i let that happen?? i didn't even attempt to redeem myself, or reenter the conversation, or play it off. i completely shut down.

that moment keeps bringing me back to what my boss said about "overestimating" myself and i'm cringing. did i overestimate myself?? everyone had something of substance to share except for me. i could barely follow the conversation. i'm trying not to go to a place of self loathing, but i beginning to wonder if i am really cut out for this environment after all. I mean, idk how true that is in actuality but it certainly feels that way.

i feel fucking stupid. straight up plain stupid. and i feel all the more awful for allowing myself to slip down this emotional black hole. it was such a small moment and yet it deeply upsets me. how can i allow myself to be so affected by it??

i don't like being caught off guard. i don't like feeling myself struggle while literally everyone else in the class has the ability to jump into a conversation and express their views with clarity. they make points that i can comprehend and even appreciate but that i would never have been able to get across because i can't easily organize and articulate my thoughts. all that means is that i have to work a little harder than the average person, right? i have to rely upon extra notes and discussion cues, practice memory building exercises, etc. i'm not stupid, my brain functions differently. perhaps not as well, but the bottom line is: i have changed. that's just the way it is.

why can't i accept that and move on? Why can’t i see that this is having an adverse impact on my life? not sure i have the full answer, but i have a hunch.i’m in denial. Beneath that, i’m angry. I don’t want to deal with the brain damage and the sense of vulnerability that goes hand in hand with it. if i admit that i am vulnerable, i have to admit that i need help. but i want to be in control! i want to be perfect! i want to do it all alone and if i can't that means that i am a failure. now that's stupid thinking. blanking out in the middle of the class isn't. blank-outs are out of my control, though, and that's almost worse.

So basically what we are looking at here is a deep seated emotional issue and a cognitive deficit that have been bound into a very volatile, unstable fusion.

this isn't something that can be sorted and shelved away before the term ends, is it? this is going to be one of those lifelong processes and it will be a while before i see any progress.
like i am not an unfinished painting, i am a garden that needs constant tending. there will be things i'll have to do, things like systematic introspection, and practicing mindfulness, and going to therapy.

Is this what i have to commit to if i want to improve?

user posted image

Yeah, i know. I’ve sought treatment for this bout of depression and bullshit at some prior point in my life. It’s cyclic. my circumstances were different because this was pre-brain injury, but that doesn’t really change the root of the problem. Remember that garden of me? I stopped watering the plants. I’ve been flip flopping on this issue for so long all i’ve really been doing is avoiding it.

There’s a post (or five) somewhere in here where i have the same revelation. “i just have to learn to love and accept myself and it’ll all be gravy!” well fuck, if that’s not easier said than done. re-learning and re-applying what i learned in therapy/etc will be waaaay hard. And actually, i have no idea where to begin.

Like do i just… what do i do? I really really really do not want to be so self deprecating and bitter. I do not want to push people away, even though that is what i’m used to.

I guess the best place to start would be to swallow my pride and drop by disability services and start meeting with my professors one on one. I’m not going to survive Columbia if i don’t. And that would be a shame because i can visualize myself doing well here. If i can visualize myself as an involved, active, and friendly person that means i can be that person at some point.

i'm so sorry that one tidbit of my week set the sad carousel back in motion. honestly, my life isn't bad (i have been trying to be more positive and there were a few weeks where i felt pretty good!) and that's because my life isn't really the cause. most of my problems don't stem from external sources. it's the deep rooted emotional stuff. it's when i depend on material/external objects to keep myself afloat. i've just got to dig deeper than that somehow.

oh well. it's not you, life. it's me.
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