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 lifeblog, shady life choices + introspection
XANDER
 Posted: Jul 28 2015, 12:12 AM
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when you realize you accidentally made a clever pun really belatedly after the fact

i won't be pretty forever but at least i'm funny

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XANDER
 Posted: Jul 29 2015, 08:26 PM
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i have miscalculated
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XANDER
 Posted: Aug 6 2015, 10:05 PM
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>> be me
>> your dad is a dick
>> like on a level foreign to most other humans
>> dad a dick on vacation in las vegas for two days
>> get to airport to fly to denver
>> he has none of your flight information
>> surprise you're on a different airline
>> your flight leaves four hours later and it's $40 for your carry-on bag

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

>> be left alone in airport to figure shit out
>> tell sad story to lady at check-in counter
>> she waves your baggage fee
>> keep $40 dad gave you for baggage

ok but wait there's more
you don't know ridiculous probability-bending until you walk in my shoes

>> one hour later get call from dad
>> their flight has been delayed until about the same time as yours

watch the fuck out everyone, my powers grow stronger by the day
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XANDER
 Posted: Aug 20 2015, 08:57 PM
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lifeblog lives with today's navel gazing complaint of being too pretty

>> be me
>> go to grocery store after work at 10pm
>> can't find the bread crumbs
>> wander down aisles, have dude side-step to let me by
>> ask random dude where bread crumbs are
>> he knows because he got them for meat loaf last week
>> on the way there he finds what he was looking for, GOOD KARMA
>> all's well until he passes by me as i'm walking to my car
>> "you're really beautiful, just so you know"
>> MOTHER
>> FUCKER

my friendship with the aforementioned tyler IMPLODED because that shit for brains could not help developing a crush on me, even with me explicitly stating FRIENDS ONLY. instead i get a 2200 word confession missive that is easily one of the dumbest things i have ever had the misfortune of receiving

there is no interaction with other human beings that is not extraordinarily influenced by how i look, where there is not some presumption of unnamed virtues (kindness, intelligence / stupidity, friendliness). additionally, i am forced to suspect EVERY DUDE I EVER COME INTO CONTACT WITH, because i cannot safely presume that any niceness is isolated from some desire to FUCK ME. and it is one shitty, shitty situation to have to reckon with that paranoia on an every day basis, god fucking damn it

should i slash tyler's tires y / n / y
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XANDER
 Posted: Aug 22 2015, 12:58 AM
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i went to the club and the dj poured a shot of hennessy in my mouth and then i experienced the legendary champagne shower

i can officially quit going to night clubs, i've made it in life
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XANDER
 Posted: Nov 17 2015, 01:16 AM
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wow lifeblog hasn't been updated in 3 months

wow guys my life has completely imploded since then

GUESS I HAVE TO CATCH YOU UP, DAY BY DAY

ARE YOU READY???

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XANDER
 Posted: Nov 17 2015, 01:29 AM
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so let's start with everyone's favorite, WORK

oh work

so i got my promotion three months ago, and it was awesome! also a nightmare! i did not know what i was doing, i was obsessed with not being poor anymore, i was obsessed with fixing everything i thought was broken, and i was a really blunt, aggressive asshole! (spoiler: i can be really blunt and really aggressive! raise hands if you are surprised) and then i have spent the two subsequent months trying to tone it down, which takes a lot of work for me, for a few reasons:
  1. i am a perfectionist and like to fix things
  2. i am a lone wolf type of worker and will attempt to fix everything alone
  3. i can be less than restrained about pointing out what people are bad at
  4. i am often moving so fast at work that i am not thinking about what i say before i say it, and i am not a sensitive person by nature
  5. i am a young, pretty girl and people have certain expectations about how people like me should behave, so multiply everything above by this social factor
but i thought i was getting better! i thought i was doing okay! i went from coworker to coworker asking for feedback, and they said i was doing better, and that they'd tell me if anything bothered them!

w e l l

RE-ENTER BOSS THAT HATES ME, HE IS BACK

i should have known i was in for it when my current boss called me over to his office, and there was hate boss, chillin. hate boss is getting promoted next year, and will be my boss's boss. i jokingly thought to myself, am i traumatized over being called into the office with hate boss yet? ha ha ha

JOKE'S ON ME BECAUSE YES

so for the next 2 hours -- that is not hyperbole, i am literally in this office for TWO HOURS -- i go under the career scalpel for one-liners that i snapped off over the past week that apparently upset people, literally shit i did not think twice about (go find that on your own, i'm too busy for that, that kind of thing) and it was THUS EXPLODED into a bloodbath breakdown of MY FUTURE.

now barbermonger, i have a deep, persistent fear of not being understood by other people. i am obsessed with it! i am obsessed with trying to seem approachable, and with being able to communicate myself well to others, so that they know what's really in my heart and i don't come off the wrong way. being told, in essence, that i cannot correctly perceive reality, and that the things that i say are not what i think they are, and that i am being fundamentally misunderstood, plays into my single biggest fear about life. so to have my work failures wielded as the hammer of thor (this is just a shitty time for me right now) was pretty much the last thing i was ready for. so i cried! not too many tears, but a lot of heaving and sobbing and looking mighty fucking miserable. new boss looked extremely uncomfortable. hate boss just plowed right on.

so hate boss concludes i am going to be put on a special intensive development plan for the rest of the year, and this will involve some level of journaling and counseling meetings with new boss and i don't even know what else, meditation??? homework??? either way, hate boss emphasized that i am a magical unicorn saddled with the reputations of everyone who ever approved of me, and that they are all counting on me not to fuck up, and i really need to get my shit together and stop fucking up. i remind everyone again that i got to listen to this for two straight hours.

now within those two hours was some babble about being "ready" in 3 months, presumably for another promotion. and i was like, yeah, you are blowing smoke up my ass because even you feel weird about my crying, and did not take too much notice of it. well later, one of the sales managers mentioned how the other one might be leaving in about three months, and i was like...

OH

so is hate boss messing with my head??? can this actually work out??? can i actually chill out enough to win this seemingly rigged game, and trick my biggest critic into advancing me??? STAY TUNED KIDS, THE SHOW MUST GO ON
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XANDER
 Posted: Nov 24 2015, 12:26 AM
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coming soon: an update on my love life, which is basically an anime

today's moment: my boss's boss's boss came in with two other important corporate people to show them our location. at one point he was standing next to me and he leaned into my shoulder, possibly on accident, so i leaned back into him, and we stood there playing lean-back-and-forth for a solid minute while my general manager talked to him

i cut professional boundaries into a fine powder and snort them
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XANDER
 Posted: Nov 25 2015, 05:40 PM
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>>text old boss/best boss the other day asking for help with above work
>>he doesn't text me back
>>be sad
>>be going through work emails (over 900)
>>find email from best boss buried within all the other emails
>>"sorry I can't reply to your text, I'm on honeymoon in Europe and texts are expensive! we'll talk when I get back!"
>>feel important again
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XANDER
 Posted: Nov 29 2015, 01:23 PM
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before i get into the good news
here's a song about getting dumped



relationships only work when both people do the work
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XANDER
 Posted: Nov 29 2015, 06:59 PM
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sooooooo

i accidentally a boyfriend
a whole boyfriend
three weeks after getting dumped

i spent two weeks hiding in my house, sleeping for 10 hours a day, specifically avoiding night outings with my attractive newly single friend whom i knew was into me, because drunk xander is a scoundrel who cannot be trusted. however, with enough nagging i was persuaded to go out – where i predictably got way too drunk and was like, I LIKE YOU, BUT I WILL ONLY LIKE YOU IF YOU AGREE TO BE MY (MONOGAMOUS COMMITTED) BOYFRIEND.

AND IT WORKED(???)

REACTIONS:

roommate 1: [delighted screaming]
roommate 1: [later on, post 80s bar] you guys are like a prom king and queen

roommate 2: [screaming and 10 successive high fives]

roommate 3: we can clear out the house and have your wedding here

roommate 1's friend: where did you find him???

my mom: marry him

coworker: is that the guy that was at midget wrestling??
coworker: you get on with your bad self sasha

him: this is surreal

i remain confused as to how i have tricked this man, who so strongly resembles a roleplay character i would write (6'2'', mid 30s, fancy paying job, dark past, Thor arms, PhD, super hot), into abandoning Tinder and taking me to his work Christmas party

i had all these plans to be a sad victim of a bullshit breakup but apparently the universe had other plans
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XANDER
 Posted: Dec 1 2015, 12:23 AM
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relationship compromise is when you tell your boyfriend he can't post angry 500-word yelp reviews unless he does them under a generic name, like 'richard', as opposed to 'phantasmagorious finkles'
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XANDER
 Posted: Dec 1 2015, 02:04 PM
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now for a quote timeline, of things boyfriend has said to me, in very rough chronological order

[context: going out to the 80s bar for the second time, i wear a dress]
him: i did not actually think you were hot until now
him: you were always showing up in sweaters
me: i was playing board games
me: the dress code isn't exactly 'dress to impress'

[post 80s bar, we are watching a movie]
him: i can't believe i just tried to kiss you
him: like any other guy
me: it's okay
me: everyone does it

[context: same night, driving to CVS at 3am to get contact solution for me, because i refuse to stay over any longer without it
him: you are into all this attention
him: you are into me
him: YOU ARE NOT EVEN THAT HOT
him: i don't even like you
me: [turns up radio]

[context: morning after, i have stolen his clothes to walk to the bakery]
him: i am so embarrassed to be seen with you
me: i'm not going outside in last night's dress and clear heels
stranger: [passing out through gate to bakery, sees my outfit] nice shoes
him: [to stranger] WE DID NOT HAVE SEX
me: he is very broken up about this

[context: out hiking]
him: i guess you are pretty hot
him: but there are plenty of other hot people in the world!!
me: i am fucking helen of troy
me: i am the face that launches 10,000 ships

[context: wandering around parking lot, post 'hunger games' movie]
me: you have commitment issues
me: you are going through the walt whitman's sampler of chocolate
me: and taking a bite out of every chocolate and putting it back
me: in the quest to find your favorite chocolate
him: I HAVE ONLY SLEPT WITH THREE PEOPLE THIS YEAR
him: YOU DON'T KNOW ME


▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲ ▲
pre-dating


post-dating
▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼



him: i went through all your photos on facebook
him: you did have a frumpy phase
me: fight me

[context: 80s bar]
him: you are the hottest girl here
me: and that is why strangers compulsively bro-fist you

[context: coming back from 80s bar]
him: i am taking it slow
him: i am not going to like you too fast
me: (we have been dating for a week)
him: because you are still on the rebound
him: and this is probably the most serious relationship you've ever been in
me: (are you going to marry me or something)
him: and i don't want to have any more kids
me: slow down buddy

him: aren't you a little young to enjoy talking on the phone
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XANDER
 Posted: Dec 3 2015, 08:26 PM
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today in XANDER TALKS TO STRANGERS--

standing in the CVS line with my two pack of deodorant, chillin', behind like five people who are also holding EXACTLY ONE ITEM, the guy in front of me (buying dial hand soap) turns around and talks to me:

guy: of course we all have one item
guy: and we're stuck here
me: it is a tragedy that there is no self-checkout
guy: [points at lady in front of him who is buying boxed white wine] she's got it figured it out
me: she has priority over all of us
me: this is the part though where someone's like
me: CAN I GET A PRICE CHECK ON THIS SNICKERS BAR????
guy: noooo
me: not today bro
me: not today

i belatedly realize that the lady holding up the line is arguing for a price check

a minute later other cashiers show up to open up registers, and we all proceed. once i get out in the parking lot, guy who was in front of me waves from his truck

guy: we did it!! we made it out!
me: [pumps arms in air]
me: WE ARE FREE

i am ready at all times to befriend strangers
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XANDER
 Posted: Dec 3 2015, 10:41 PM
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it is dark outside and boyfriend and i are grilling salmon on the outdoor grill in the complex

Him: now we go back inside
Me: and leave the salmon here???
Me: someone will steal it
Him: this isn't New Orleans
Him: it will be fine
Me: no
Me: how long does salmon take to grill
Him: I don't know
Me: we're adults
Me: we can Google it
Him: do I look like an adult
Me: between the two of us we form one whole adult
Me: your shower has to be less than fifteen minutes
Me: after that I need supervision

he took away the stupid plate i needed to put the salmon on, so i needed to run back in and bang on the door until the roommate's girlfriend let me in

and then we had salmon and watched inuyasha

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