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 Character Thought Dump
Niki
 Posted: Aug 22 2015, 02:44 AM
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Because I don't RP anymore but still occasionally have character and/or old ship feels, and because for some reason Xander keeps dragging me back here against my will.

No names. Word vomit.

  Occasionally, with the polished clarity that only time and reflection can reveal, the realization that what is us -- this thing marketed as a relationship that neither fully accepts or acknowledges, despite our seeded needs to do so -- is entirely counterfeit. I find myself faced with the realization that though we reside in the same household, consume our vices and share our bodies, we do not exist as a pair. His expectations and mine are comparable, but not compatible; the goals and predestinations that we keep to ourselves are neither unreasonable nor unattainable, and yet there exists an unspoken understanding that we are to pursue them independently, that we are two lives temporarily parallel, here, not intertwined. I don't know anymore if it's guilt or affection between us, and talk is uncomfortable and draining. It's so much easier just to take what he gives me, and restrain the indulgent urge to ask for more, though I need it. I want it.

Maybe it's me. It's probably me. I am, as always, at the slick edge of devastation, and I find it unfair to further unburden myself at his feet when the hospitality is disingenuous and non-mutual. He will not forgive me, and I do not expect him to. I am easy for him and he is . . . predictable.

But the result, I suppose, is that restraint has overwhelmed me with insurmountable distance. I am sorry for that, too.
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XANDER
 Posted: Aug 22 2015, 11:10 AM
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because for some reason Xander keeps dragging me back here against my will.


the common thread in all my relationships

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Niki
 Posted: Aug 22 2015, 05:48 PM
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get out of my self-indulgent crapfest, xander
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