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 BARBERBLOG, dear diary send help
knox
 Posted: Feb 9 2016, 10:54 AM
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starting one of these because i have no ideas of my own.
*rolls out a disclaimer like a twenty foot carpet*
[18+ trigger warning could be boring]


dear barber, here is what i expect of myself today:
  • to endure two hours of travel time to columbia university for five minutes
  • tell myself i am going to write because classes are not in session today AND ACTUALLY NOT
  • paperwork
  • cry at the end of empire strikes back
yes. today will be a day.

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knox
 Posted: Feb 9 2016, 01:10 PM
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cancelled my advisement appointment at gs. know i should care and don't. rescheduled for the 22nd. i'm sure i still won't want to go then. too cold. campus is too far away.

i am clearly not ambitious enough to be a student here.

shame, though! i could have written another one of these on the ride over:

you sit on a bench, one of those wooden ones with graffiti older than you'll ever be and bedbugs that can hold their breath longer than you can (you tried) and forever and there are two people sitting by you. white boys who smell like takeout. it happens. when your kitchen is too small to stand in. better to sit on the bench. better to wait for the train. it pulls up and the folks inside go jockeying around like popcorn in a paper bag going round and round in a microwave and you have to stand again but that's okay because sitting is suicide in this popcorn machine. you sit down, you might never stand again. but there's no room for you anyway. maybe if you ran and squeezed in between the kernels before they fluff themselves up. oh well. you sit back down on the bench. good choice. a little chilly under your ass, but comfortable. good, sturdy wood.
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knox
 Posted: Feb 10 2016, 11:21 PM
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my boyfriend is 40. i like him. sometimes, though...

i asked my "friend" felicia if she'd want to come be our daughter. i thought the idea was perfect. she would be the more gorgeous, more successful extension of myself. my boyfriend would know about her and be "okay" with it. she could be a part of our kinky coven- the claudia to lestat and louis.

we all know who louis would be. the bitch and a traitor.

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knox
 Posted: Feb 12 2016, 11:26 AM
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if i ever come off as leery with respect to my friends' friends here is why.

friends' friend is taking bio. bio for majors, but still. general bio. grade school stuff. the metric system, fundamental taxonomy. classifications and orders.

i was taking a look at her lil specimens chart and i saw that she listed "endoskeleton" as an attribute.

for crayfish.
okay.
so i asked her about it.

she was genuinely surprised to learn that crayfish are invertebrates.

user posted image


okay yes we all learn new things and no i am by no means an expert haha-
NOT OKAY.
i'm not sorry that i said "WHAT."

have you EATEN SHELLFISH?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO DEBONE A SHRIMP?
NO. YOU HAVEN'T. GUESS WHY.

but anyway, it is friday. it's freezing. i'm going to leave the office early to go to the dermatologist. i'm going to trim my bangs and blow out my hair and wear a dress in 19/-4 degree weather and i am going to fall into whiskey's warm embrace and dance until i trip.

user posted image


don't stop me now.
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knox
 Posted: Feb 12 2016, 11:55 AM
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p.s. my hair was fuckin' on point last month..
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knox
 Posted: Feb 13 2016, 02:02 PM
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conversation with the boyfriend (feat de kooning)

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yeah, we're not nice to each other.
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knox
 Posted: Feb 15 2016, 12:15 PM
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i've just run out of coffee.



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knox
 Posted: Feb 22 2016, 10:29 AM
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yesterday i signed a model release form. i have heard (from a professional model, not a fellow dilettante like me) that it feels a little like signing your soul away. didn't strike me as such. or strike me at all. (apathetic and amateurish- did i mention that?) guess i'm just a short, cheap bitch.

now rappers get to use my curmudgeon likeness on their album covers.
i get a laugh out of it and that's about it. LOL. *shrugs at the world*

the shots are still being edited, but here is a grainy, badly lit phone pic from a test shoot that makes the whole thing look appropriately seedy.

WARNING: UNDERWEAR.



i love how disgusting this is.
the imposing length of the walls, the horrible shadows, the peculiarity of my feet cut off at the toes.

the actual shoot was much more tasteful.

i have another one next week, saturday. how am i getting all this work?
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knox
 Posted: Feb 24 2016, 11:11 PM
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today i got caught checking someone out by a guy who looks like this:

user posted image


and always wears black and some variant of patent leather oxfords.

we basically have the same wardrobe. the one glaring difference is that while there is always a coffee stain or a cat hair to be found on me, he is perfect. i've been staring at him since the start of the semester (he knows and i'm not all that shy about it) until just the other day i compliment him. i come on a tad strong telling him that i think he's GORGEOUS so i am more than a little surprised when he leans over and whispers, "oh my god, i've been thinking the exact same thing about you for weeks."

we instantly become best friends who communicate in sideways glances all throughout class.

"that everything is a lie," he says in response to our professor's question, "what does it mean to be american in 2016?"

i smirk at him with my eyes.
he smirks back.
that's pretty much how it goes.

i digress: the woman i am ogling has an hourglass shape. her makeup says she could do a youtube tutorial. her dress suit says she has a salary. her bare legs say "look at me, k, look at me some more." so i stew that over for a while as our professor move on to discuss the implications of having an extended republic and Domhnall Gleeson (Austin, really) leans way, way over and mouths "oh my god."

so idk tl;dr
i stare at people shamelessly all the time.

in other news, my rp buddies think very highly of my ability to plot.

user posted image


overall, a good day.
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knox
 Posted: Feb 25 2016, 09:31 AM
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there's this really sweet architect from toronto who works in our office. her name is june. the whole thing with june is that she was here for a summer internship, got kicked out of harvard, and then a few months ago my boss hired her to come in three days a week out of the goodness of his heart.

this morning she draws 18" stairs.

my boss looks at it and says, "i'm going to throw up."

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knox
 Posted: Mar 1 2016, 10:15 AM
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...It came in pleats on his child's features- smooth, pliant-a forehead that hadn't yet learned to frown. He saw it in the sky taking off, saw it in his father's hand ruffling his hair, transient, but existing.

"I saw," he says again, this time with more authority. "I was there." But it has been almost fifteen years since he was sweeping through the grasslands like death itself coming to take the heads off the boys who were still swathed in beige and spill their blood on the moor...


this rp. obi-wan be like:

user posted image


and as i'm writing this (at work while i am scanning over proposals and hunting down expediters no less) my landlord calls me and asks me if the water heater is still outside (and not in the building where it belongs) and is genuinely surprised to learn that, yes, i do have to get up early in the morning and, yes, go to work TO YES, make money. to pay rent. above all else. (more than 20% of nyers spend half their income on rent; brooklynites such as myself spend around 60% of their income to live here. *insert money flying away emoji here*)

so, in the aptly spoken words of kingsley-
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knox
 Posted: Mar 2 2016, 09:54 AM
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9:15 AM
hell*

fifteen minutes into my day* and i am already in for one hell of a ride. my god, what have i done to deserve this fun-filled treasure trove of thrills and chills! case in point: i get a three digit bill from my obgyn even though i have health insurance that fully covers annuals and preventive medicine. the woman at the desk tells me that it is my "deductible under empire blue cross blue shield."

WELL.

user posted image

joke's on you maureen. i don't even have blue cross blue shield. i have cigna.

I HAVE CIGNA. HEALTH PLUS. IT'S NOT EMPIRE. THEY ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. I ONLY HAVE A PREMIUM AND A COPAY. NO DEDUCTIBLE. NO COINSURANCE. I PERSONALLY HANDED MY CARE CARD OVER TO YOU , MAUREEN. YOU SCANNED IT, MAUREEN. I SAW YOU DO IT.

i saw you.


and of course my health insurance ran its course this very day so she's like "ma'am, ma'am. ma'am. there's nothing i can do. ma'am." and i'm practically frothing at the mouth: NO THAt'S NOT HOW THIS OWRKS OMFG SDfskdf jkj kj glarr hg hrar.

god damn it maureen. you had one job.



* lmao i am not that melodramatic. hell is fine. this is brooklyn.
*aside from waking up early, reading the news, regurgitating my breakfast, and doing the laugh-cry.
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knox
 Posted: Mar 2 2016, 06:36 PM
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special update that requires its own post:

everyone is trying to gyp me this week. man, i don't have enough energy or willpower to stand up for myself on this one. i am worn out and sad. and dumb. i know people who are are worn out and dumb and still have some modicum of confidence in themselves. i, however, am not like them. i guess when you are sad the way i am you don't get to have that lack of self clarity.

i have to remind myself that i've had a long day (long week. long month) and not to blow it out of proportion. breathe. think critically. accept the impermanence of things.

ffffffffffffffwwdufhhhhh

but i can't right now. i am thin skinned. i think i'm just going to go home and cry.
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knox
 Posted: Mar 4 2016, 12:19 PM
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crying time over.
massive reevaluation of the self in order.
the getting together of the shit is now in effect.

user posted image


day 1,
maybe 3:

i have started going to bed at 10 PM and waking up at 6 AM. this is a whole new breed of tired. this is jet lag level exhaustion. but i must adjust because i have B I G plans.

aforementioned B I G plans for the immediate future and the long haul:

more spiritual work
learn to accept and manage brain injury symptoms (which will involve a lot of "i am not stupid"x3 "i am appreciative of the cognitive abilities i possess"x3 and so forth)
learn how to live daily life without drugs
go to the gym first thing in the morning
spend 1-3 hours on skool assignments per night
figure out where WRITING and ROLE PLAYING and SOCIAL life will fit between school and work and gym
don't let the man get me down

IS IT POSSIBLE?
WILL K GO BACK TO HER TERRIBLE HABITS?
stay tuned
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knox
 Posted: Mar 9 2016, 10:57 AM
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brief follow up to the preceding GET ShIT TOGETHER POST:
  • been to the gym first thing in the morning twice so far
  • slowly catching up on school work
  • genuinely trying to think positively/critically about brain predicament
good things are happening:
  • i am being considered for a prestigious award
  • i have submitted a short story for publication
  • i have been immersing myself in a spiritual milieu
goals for today:
  • finish renderings
  • hold enlivening seminar for today's writers' guild
  • study 3 hrs
  • WRITE SATAN'S GD INTRO
user posted image

getting shit done, my friends.

lmao will come back later to report what i've actually accomplished.

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okay here i am at... after 11 because what are breaks what is down time- WOO- and with 3/4 things actually checked off my list?? WHAT?? WHO AM I BECOMING?

pfff.
it's only been five days.
things have plenty of time to completely fall apart.

:''')

in the meantime, satan will just have to wait. my poor, poor bb demon.

This post has been edited by knox: Mar 9 2016, 11:21 PM
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