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 BARBERBLOG, dear diary send help
knox
 Posted: Mar 18 2016, 09:57 AM
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writing out a sensual, emotive scene for my favorite sf rp of the moment and what am i listening to? you might guess that i am currently appreciating the symphonic genius of john williams or perhaps a minimalist space opera by my favorite composer. something that beguiles with strings and piano solos. well, you'd be wrong.



user posted image


this week has slipped by in the blink of an eye. so much and yet so little has happened. here are some of the highlights:
  • the adroit journal rejected my story
  • i got a bill for $1085 from the medical lab that analyzed my blood sample
  • i am not paying said bill
  • my boss pawned all his old graphic novels off on me
  • dave mckean writes some real interesting shit
  • i w r o t e. i wrote like a champ.
and what else can i say? i slept walked through the days. i have exams to study for in the coming weeks but i might just get my ass out saturday night and have myself a drink instead. march is always so short. i should have at least one boozy bedtime this month. maybe i'll finally get around to making those glittery cocktails for bm this spring. until then, it's gin in a cracked martini glass.

user posted image


pickles i have charmed my way out of:
  • $1085 medical bill
  • overdrawing my bank account
my money is spent but my credit is execellent
ladies
you have yourselves a smooth talker.

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knox
 Posted: Mar 19 2016, 12:44 AM
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middle of the night feels.
god damn it.
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knox
 Posted: Mar 21 2016, 12:16 PM
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40 year old boyfriend loses his shit while clinging to girlfriend for dear life as she gradually becomes more distant.

yup.
ladies, just because he is close to 20 years your senior doesn't mean he is a stoic, cold hearted old man.
IT WOULD BE NICE.
but it's wholly untrue.
and unfair.

k-logic in this situation:

instead of ending the relationship when k becomes bored or working through issues and figuring out why the things that are broken are broken k is like ok i'm going to just stay in this for the convenience of it and drag everything and everyone down with me until we are all cagey and miserable and i am like (see gif below) and expressing all my ragret in a sloppy unpunctuated paragraph on barbermonger.

user posted image


and yes that is a gif of me saying those exact words.
(props to my film school debut some years back)

it's over folks. you heard it here first. we are going to have a talk this weekend and i am going to do my best to be sure my choice of words is not unduly clinical. i will try not to do that thing where half my mouth smirks even though there is nothing funny in it and i will try not to let him do all the talking because i know my silences make him uncomfortable. at the very least, i will be honest with him. i am a pig and felicia is more interesting to me on a sexual level.

i think i will miss him. i truly, truly do. but i can't do it bro. i am a billenial millenial and anything after two years is just too long.
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knox
 Posted: Mar 23 2016, 09:55 AM
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In recent years I’ve come to realize that generalized anxiety is not something that just goes away. It’s something that I have to manage. Like a business of nerves, breaths, and thoughts, I must assess and be attentive to the quantity and the quality of the reactions I am having. I must sit with my feelings and observe them. Lest to say, I have not been a diligent CEO of the mind. I have become something like Do Won Chang, cutting benefits left and right and as a result I’ve been experiencing a pretty bad bout of the reds.

All analogies aside, I’ve realized (or rather, I’m beginning to realize) that I am not nice to myself. When midterms are coming up and I say things like “what have you been doing all this time you dumb lazy POS” I am not helping myself to sit down and study. I am dwelling on things that have already happened, on details that may not be all as important as they seem, and beating myself up over them. This is a bad use of time. This is bad, generally.

Thus, I’ve begun carrying around a photograph of myself as a child. It is in a clear plastic pouch in my wallet. When I think of something shitty to say, or, more realistically, when I have the same shitty, unrealistic thought repeatedly, I take out the photograph and ask myself: “Would you say that to this little girl?”

I don’t feel that I’m guilt tripping myself or being over-vigilant in doing this. This is a mere exercise in putting the shit I think about myself into perspective. I got the idea when the framed photograph of my grandmother that sits on my vanity fell over and spilled my coffee. I said, “Fuck you, Grandma!” And then I was like… sorry Grandma. I would never speak that way to you, grandma. Also, the frame didn’t randomly fall. It capsized because I was being pretty violent about finding the right shade of lipstick (“WHERE IS THE MATTE. WHERE IS IT?” /Batman voice.) So…

These are my first steps in learning how to take responsibility for my words and actions as they concern me.

I am sharing this with my BBs as one of these first steps because here is another thing I have learned about myself: I don’t talk to anyone about K, the real K, almost ever. Feels happen, physiological reactions occur, and I retreat to the very bottom of myself to pace in the dungeon of my soul alone. That is what happens to me on the inside. On the outside I sort of become this caricature of myself. And that is the K that people know best. A self-deprecating, dead-pan, seemingly unaffected, sort of disinterested young woman who wears all black and speaks in a rapid, monotone voice and says things like “I want to crawl out of my fucking skin.” This is as much as anyone knows about how I really feel.

That aside, there is more to me than black oxfords and a blunt haircut. I am not so austere and not so apathetic. I am a person, not a character. Whether I like it or not (and this is a blog entry for another time) I am real. I am on this plane of existence right now breathing my little breaths and I should not have to do so miserably or as part of some misplaced comic routine. Right? And where am I going with this? Well, if I acknowledge myself as being human maybe I will treat myself like one? At least, that is what I am hoping. If I acknowledge my accomplishments, recognize that I do do things, and that it doesn’t matter if I do them “right,” maybe I can better manage my anxiety and maybe I can feel more comfortable in my own skin and want to wrap myself in it instead of crawl out of it.

Here is a list of nice things I can say about me which I will add to as needed:
  
  • I dance well. I can swing dance, salsa, and cha-cha. I can dance disco. I have memorized the choreography to Thriller.
  • I listen.
  • I know film and I am a jack of all trades and a master of some when it comes to production. I have a good grasp of lighting techniques. I am a monster editor. I can direct. I can act.
  • I am active.
  • I can do makeup. I can do hair. I have an appreciation for all hair types.
  • I am good at writing and getting better all the time.
  • I am good at partying.
  • I do like to learn. I am not always intellectually lazy.
  • I have an idea for everything.
  • I have an excellent poker face.
  • I am a good friend.
  • I am a good lover.
  • I am a good sister.
  • I do not give up.
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knox
 Posted: Mar 24 2016, 09:01 AM
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How you doin', K?

user posted image

Want to come out tonight?

user posted image

How's the transfer thing going?

user posted image

Do you have plans this weekend?

user posted image

What are you going to do?


user posted image

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knox
 Posted: Apr 1 2016, 10:52 AM
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a week has passed which means i have seven more days worth of things to bitch about. my god. where do i begin? i guess i will start with the most important news first, then taper down to the stuff i like to call "drama lite."

the first bit is really awful, actually. i am not going to be funny about it, i am just going to cut to the chase:

my mom has been hospitalized.

*shakes 8 ball* outlook not so good.

she has excellent insurance, but there are so many technicalities* and she works nonprofit so, in short, this whole ordeal is still going to be astronomically expensive. if she even has to deal with the bills :'~) which she might not.

do you see this? my mom is sick and i am talking about how much it is going to cost.

truth is, i have been avoiding this conversation for months. in these last two weeks though things have kind of reached this terrible culmination of distress. haven't been to the gym, haven't been focused on academia, social life shelved, collecting dust. plus, i have been late to work every day for two weeks. when i get in in the morning i rush past my coworkers and offer them a single cursory nod before i plop down at my desk and become engulfed by paper work.

today my boss asks me what the hell is going on. so. great. now i have to be that person. fine. i explain to him, calmly as i can, that i have been spending every morning from around 6-8 at methodist. i have been living in half of my old room and i am spending all my money on groceries and movie tickets because i have a seventeen year old brother who i am trying to keep out of a frenzy. we are at this point where we actually want to see my big fat greek wedding 2. we are in dire straits here.

"i am so sorry."

they're going to buy me lunch. it will make them feel a little less uncomfortable, which i am glad for. and that's the way it is. both of my parents are touch and go. my dad in another way entirely, but still. my dad is likable in the way the devil is likable. he's funny, he's sharp as a pitchfork, but you always get the sense that he's lying to you. if i were to compare my dad to a car i'd say he's a '61 chevy impala with a refurbished exterior and a real nice paint job, but once you get inside you notice there's no steering wheel and no brake. hopefully you don't start the engine. my dad: chef turned social worker. does he ever take his medication? no, but he'll tell other people to take theirs. once, he had a psychotic break during an appointment with a woman who was displaying severe signs of mania. he called me to laugh about it. we are all very concerned about him and he just laughs.

so anyway, now it is just me and my mom and a hospital bed.

one of my rp partners noticed that i've been using cancer as a metaphor in a lot of my writing. what does that say? i don't know.

*"The individual has a medical condition that requires positioning of the body in ways that are not feasible in an ordinary bed. (Elevation of the head/upper body less than 30 degrees does not usually require the use of a hospital bed.)" (Cigna, hospital bed policy. p.1. OF 12.)
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knox
 Posted: Apr 1 2016, 11:06 AM
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"april fools"

user posted image
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knox
 Posted: Apr 5 2016, 12:47 PM
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user posted image

for ref: my parents ^ when they were just a little older than i am now and cute as hell.


things have settled down since last week. one of my aunts is in from europe and she's been taking shifts at the hospital and helping me keep track of my duties. i AM SO RELIEVED. i can have some time to myself and start gyming again and writing more. maybe i will even be able to salvage my gpa. we'll see.

additionally, work has been a lot less stressful. we've hired another office person and a new architect which means i am no longer the captain of a sinking ship. i have a crew and we have not become pirates now that my boss has finally stopped hounding me to get forged signatures.

more on that later.

ftr my boss is named "garrick." just fou-fou enough isn't it? and guess what? the new architect is also a "garrick" so we've been calling him by his last name ("houston?" "yes?" "we have a problem.")

week one and dude's already getting tired of us.
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knox
 Posted: Apr 6 2016, 10:53 AM
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everyone - i repeat - everyone in nyc bitches about the transit system. i've seen smiles flatline on every A/C platform from times square to east new york. if you have been in manhattan for the past five minutes chances are you already hate the mta with the piping hot wrath of deli coffee. i don't know what it is, but something about this city takes newcomers and tourists and brings 'em down to the native level. it must be viral.

i have to confess that i bristle when i have to wait more than ten minutes for a train and, yes, new york rush hour is like something out of the matrix, but even then, we still have the best public transportation system in the country. there is no "last bus" at 10:00 PM on a weeknight. where there is a missing route there is a transfer or a bus stop to make up the difference. we can go anywhere we want at anytime of day and we don't have to put up with the inconvenience that is train tickets. (if i had to buy a slip for every station i set foot in i would SCREAM.) so, when i hear brandon from fucking colorado tell me how terrible nyc's transit is, before i even compare rankings, i pull out a map.

user posted image


behold.

now, denver and new york city are of entirely different temperaments. most american cities are not as huge and densely populated as we are. i get that. denver has the lilttle rail that could and a pretty sweet bicycle sharing system called the denver b-cycle to suit its needs. new york on the other hand has a monster of a subway system, a leviathan of bus routes, cables, and tracks to tame. some of it is over one hundred years old and most of it is underground. like the city it belongs to, the subway must also be vast and somewhat monstrous. is it a reliable beast? not always, but it surely is the most accommodating.

if you are from out west you do not get to come here and tell us that our trains don't run. what are you even saying? America the beautiful's right shoulder is home to some of the worst public transit i have ever had to park my backside on. seriously, the buses in vegas are hives for insects with coins rattling in their ratty suit pockets. folks in L.A. have a symbiotic relationship with their cars such that only 113 million people are even aware that mass transit exists, and when it comes to rapid transit in chicago (let's be honest here) you might as well be dead. if you are in lakeview and want to get to logan square in northwest chicago you have to go all the way down to the loop, then back to logan square on another line. did i mention that laKEVIEW AND LOGAN ARE TWO MILES APART. cta's logistics would give a new yorker an aneurysm. in new york, we ride across.
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knox
 Posted: Apr 9 2016, 10:56 AM
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DRAMA LITE
belated updates

Part Time Designer Takes Leave of Absence

due to personal reasons i have decided to pare my work week down to one day a week. i am sub-leasing my half of the apartment to a responsible friend and will be living with my brother until things settle. so, not so much a leave of absence as... me looking for other work as i take care of my mom.

i like my coworkers and my boss... tries... but i do not want to be an architect. ever. not even in an L.A. office where kitchen staff personally hand off your personalized meals. just no. nothing about clicking around on autocad all day will ever be appealing to me.

it is time to move on to more work in writing and film. i have to be as serious as my life is becoming.

Wrong 'Em Boyo: Boyfriend Has Not Seen Girlfriend in Weeks, Fears Sunday Conversation

the headline is all you get.

Roaches Attack 7th Avenue Office

i am cleaning behind the office door (there is a conglomeration of umbrellas and leaves and, as you've probably guessed, moisture) and suddenly i see it... this brown spot on the toppled london fog automatic umbrella. it is staring at me, waving something around frantically, like it desperately wants me to notice it. i stop, i look.

oh. oh.

it is a giant roach.

jesus, it is huge. it is almost two inches in length and light brown in color with a little yellow marking on its head. this little guy (big guy) is an adult! which is good news for it (i guess) and bad news for most everyone else.

no, i am not some kind of roach-lover and no, i am not brave. in fact, as i am noting this i have slowly begun to back away. i feebly call for june and she comes over and goes, "whoaaa, that's so gross." like most people, she suggests we just squash it (which kind of sits right with me and kind of doesn't?) but i pull on her arm and shake my head.

if you didn't already know this i'm going to send your world crashing down.

full grown american cockroaches fly. and not just "in the evening" (which is something you will see written often if you do research and IS HILARIOUS FOR SOME REASON?? adult roaches go for evening rides after dinner LOL.) they fly when they are threatened and when they just damn feel like it. (they have been waiting all their lives for those wings.) sure enough, the closer we get to it, the more it begins to show off. june sees its wings flittering under it's thorax (mesathorax? idk i'm not smart) and says "whoooa" again. and then "fuck that."

already long story short, we miraculously find some raid and spray it from five feet away until it shudders and dies.

a few days later there is another one trembling on its back in the meeting room. i lift a twenty pound box of paper and crush it. i do not feel good about it.

the next week, i am taking dimensions for a custom desk. this time, i see a single translucent wing fanned out underneath.

it serves as a reminder.

i often wonder why are people so disgusted by them? i think roaches are the world's way of letting us know we are not in control. they are life's creepy-crawly metaphor for the things we don't like. they represent how we cannot simply make the things we don't like go away and that these things often appear when we don't want them to, when we don't expect them to.

i get home on wednesday night and there is a roach clinging to my curtain, holding onto the rod for dear life. i knock it down and step on it. i am wearing steel toed boots. it still takes several attempts to kill it. when it finally stops moving i kneel down to examine the victim.

it is not a roach. it is a water bug of some sort. i feel slightly better about this.

if you didn't already know this i am going to send your world crashing down again.

one of the differences between water bugs and roaches is that water bugs are a little aggressive; they are more likely to bite.




(i will not include a .gif of a roach here even though i really wanted to.)
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knox
 Posted: Apr 14 2016, 10:15 PM
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I just spent the last hour crying and laughing in my bio professor’s office.

We have a quiz in lab today. Everyone bombs it. I don’t, but I don’t do as well as I normally would have. So, professor p pulls me aside after class and asks me, “k, what is going on?” I automatically stiffen because that’s how I do when people catch onto me. She clucks and pushes me into her office and after a few minutes of casual conversation we begin trading sob stories about our parents. I tell her how last semester I was working two jobs, trying to stay afloat financially (putting it bluntly: trying not to get evicted,) taking five classes, and still managing to get all As (to this she says, “oh jesus”) and this semester I am… grasping at straws.

Grades aren’t everything, which she tells me. “but I know how much effort you put in and when I saw that you went from a 95 on the first exam down to a 76, I looked and I thought to myself, something’s not right.”

I break down when I hear this because I honestly didn’t think anyone would notice. Or notice and care. and she grabs my hand and goes, “oh no!! don’t do that! I’ll start crying if you cry!”

From there our conversation devolves into her showing me my grades and how well they stand up to those of her majors (which admittedly made me feel pretty good!) and devolves even further when she pretty much starts laughing at how someone in our section scored a 5/18 on an exam.

After that she showed me her Facebook. Bombay is really pretty.

Also of note:

user posted image

my stats professor wrote that at the top of my exam because I forgot to write my full name.*

He’s this very jolly dude from west Africa. He’s hilarious, but he takes the course material very seriously too. He’s good. He makes us write our 1s the way they do in his country.

Me and another student went to visit him during his office hours yesterday (not today. I can’t handle more than one of these office sessions a day.) we were going over a very long, very complicated series of problems when his phone rang. He picked it up, blinked, hung up, and threw it in his briefcase.

“how you going to call me and ask me to speak up!”

then he leaned over his briefcase and whispered,

fuck you.”

Idek but I LAUGHED.

as a side note:

i got home and cried. like, choked. on tears and air. for a good few minutes. and i realized that i haven't actually cried once through this entire ordeal until today.

*personal pet peeve of mine. I swear I am not normally so careless jfc. BUT HIS RESPONSE WAS FUNNY. Again, I laughed.
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knox
 Posted: Apr 18 2016, 06:23 PM
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"yesterday."

last night i was putting lit matches out on my tongue.

i do not remember this happening because i was more drunk than you could possibly imagine. on sunday at 3:10 PM i left the hospital, bought a bottle of gin, some lemonade, and went home to pack my bag for the writers' guild picnic in prospect park. three hours later i was sitting in my favorite local bar knocking back glasses of whiskey until 3 a.m. on a monday morning.

the night's most memorable moment was easily when these two stylists came in from a salon anniversary party. from a salon where i used to work. AND THEY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME. I SERIOUSLY... i asked them their names and introduced myself and THEY STILL HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS.

after that, who knows? i went to a diner and fell asleep with all my makeup on.

"today."

on the train i saw someone reading the SAME edition of the SAME book i'm reading sitting across from me. we had a very friendly exchange and i can honestly say it was the best moment of my day.

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knox
 Posted: Apr 20 2016, 03:33 PM
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i teach a flash fiction writing workshop from 2-4 on wednesdays. today i gave my "students" a fun writing prompt that involved v little involvement on my part. so i enjoyed a coffee and wrote some haikus.


Leaving my body.
Good-bye my friends, I am gone
Don’t try to stop me.

*

I am an orange.
No peel, all skin and marrow.
What rhymes with orange?

*

Let’s forget rhyming
Life has no rhyme or reason
So neither should I

*

I got out of bed.
What a grand accomplishment!
This must be a dream.

*

My list of exploits:
Long as a Rite Aid receipt
Minus the rewards.

*

What am I doing?
Jesus Fuck, these are awful.
Forgive me, Jesus
.
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knox
 Posted: Apr 22 2016, 08:41 AM
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i have three possible internships lined up for the end of 2016. i can do any of the following:
  • social media @ twitter
  • video @ fast company
  • teaching @ brooklyn reading room
internships... i feel like i should be about five years younger than i actually am :') that is what the working world would like me to believe, anyway. the last one pays, but... honestly? i'm not interested in making money at this point. i don't know what it is, but i can feel a big change coming and it doesn't involve money. instead, it involves a lot of searching and suffering. so i will have to suffer a little more and sit with the feeling. that is okay. the human soul is remarkably durable when it comes to these things. i will still have one by the end of all this.

journey's still unfolding, gotta keep trucking.
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knox
 Posted: Apr 23 2016, 12:46 PM
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last night really deserves its own post, but....

i met rodney ramos! at a bar! and we hung out! and he was actually pretty cool?

and he drew me so now i am officially a comic book character:

user posted image
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