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 birdblob, honestly just the worst
bird
 Posted: Mar 21 2016, 04:24 PM
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i am not a blogger

but since i spend way more time on here than i used to and things are crazy as hell i figured i might as well try!

user posted image

fig 1: it me


i have a lot of stress and a lot of unstructured time and a brain fog so viscous it might as well be the pitch drop experiment. i have basically done nothing, produced nothing, and generally been a mindless vegetable since i got laid off nearly two months ago. meanwhile a storm of general family shit is brewing, part of which results in me being on a bus to and from the hospital a lot. i'll probably be there a lot this week, but that's another story

so! first order of business is coming up with a plan for the next 30 days or so in order to stay sane, which should include:
  • applying to at least two jobs every day
  • going to life drawing once a week
  • doing gym or kettlebell stuff at least once a day, preferably in the morning
  • writing or draw something daily and working through a list of prompts
  • actually, better than that: write whether i fucking feel like it or not. even if it's the same word over and over again and again.
  • reading more. fortunately i've been pretty good on that front although i've definitely slacked in the last two weeks -- currently working on the charioteer which i stopped reading for no good reason, and also the thin man because i've never read it and so far nick and nora charles are a delight.
  • figuring out my mental health shit and navigating the lulz-worthy state of my social life
  • actually planning and making meals instead of living on oatmeal on days i don't have anyone to cook for
so far i have
  • made the list of prompts
  • showered
  • eaten a bowl of oatmeal because i have no one to cook for
it is now 5:24 pm. what a resounding success this monday has been. i am probably going to die of scurvy.

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bird
 Posted: Mar 21 2016, 04:35 PM
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addendum:

a guy i know named daniel recently got mumps (mumps! in 2016!!) and had to be quarantined due to somehow forgetting to get a booster shot. posts a status on FB about finally getting out of quarantine.

my first reaction upon finding out was a damn daniel joke

my second reaction was to ask if he was okay

there is something definitely wrong with me as a person and you shouldn't be friends with me








(but seriously why the fuck don't people get vaccinated!! GET VACCINATED. mumps belongs in a dickens novel and the fact that it exists in 2016 is absolutely fucking unreal to me)
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bird
 Posted: Mar 22 2016, 04:04 PM
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good lord hospitals just fucking suck the life right out of you. i am so tired and all i did was sit and translate for six hours and honestly i have no right to complain about anything but, man. man oh man.

i probably have something erudite to say about like, wow, it's so weird being a kid who immigrated to a different country young and having most of your family basically be strangers to you or how, wow, it's weird realizing that this is not normal, or, wow, it's really weird being around a lot of dying people (again) (honestly again and again), or, wow, how weird is it to explain to an 83-year-old woman using your shitty russian vocabulary where the nurse wants to put that swab, but, man, i don't even know where to start on that one. i'm not even sure how you're supposed to feel about these things, honestly, or how much.

buuuut okay, alright, tomorrow we do it all over again.

on a happier note!

i found a women's dodgeball league close to me and it sounds so dorky i almost definitely have to go. no, i am going to make myself go, and i am going to talk to new people, and i'm going to hit a lot of women with a lot of large, bouncing balls and i am going to enjoy it so help me god.

also, yesterday night, i ate a lot of vegetables and got out of my funk and wrote a bunch. maybe after 3-4 cups of coffee and dinner tonight i'll be able to finish it and get a solid story out of it.

spotify has been playing this stupid song at me almost constantly and i guess i can take a fucking hint:



fig 2: big data is trying to tell me something
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bird
 Posted: Mar 22 2016, 11:52 PM
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edited: posted in the wrong thread, oops

instead i will link the song i was listening to while i wrote about robots(?????) to fill this space


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bird
 Posted: Mar 23 2016, 06:54 PM
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okay so i have a really stupid idea

it is a really stupid idea i have had for a while, though, so i'm going to talk about it.

  

the stupid idea is this: a blog/online equivalent of one of those old school pulp magazines. the focus of it being the short & the weird: short or flash fiction that's, say, <2000-3000 words long, to pick a VERY arbitrary number, with longer stuff being serialized in installments. all strictly genre stuff - sci-fi, fantasy, horror, w/e.

(i thought about doing like... issues??? like a real zine?? but then i remembered that 1. those things exist already online and 2. nobody reads them. while i am kidding myself in thinking that more than 3+ people would read this, IF THEY DID i would prefer an audience of people like you kids, dear BM, to an audience of 37-55 y/o white men who enjoy military science fiction (and i say this as a person who has written military science fiction).)

1 story/week is probably still pushing the limits of millenial attention spans but that way it would be entirely doable to keep up a 1-2 month backlog. i have learned by now not to be too ambitious when it comes to my dumb brain and my big Bird Ideas.

i tried something similar 5 years ago -- this is an idea i've wanted to do for a while! version 1.0 was called STOPGAP STREET, in which i successfully conned several then-19-year-old BMers into writing short fiction with me, while i summarily deleted all of my own fiction off the blog soon afterwards in a fit of pique. (i also deleted almost EVERYTHING I EVER WROTE but that's another story.) also, that particular idea was more based on the idea of like... an art collective... but with fiction? but it's hard to maintain that sort of thing, especially when you're 19 and incompetent. in any case, there is some amazing stuff on that blog (though none of it is mine).

but i want to try again! i think there's something there. and i think i'm pretty lucky to know some pretty incredible writers with incredible ideas, and i know it's a site that i would read religiously. and there must be at least one other person like me out there, right?

but bird, you say, why now? well, for one i know two separate people who can host this thing for free. aaaaand it's something i've wanted to do for a while and i have the time and means to throw myself at it bodily. i am good at throwing myself at and into stuff, and five years later i'm slightly better at also making it stick. also i want to WRITE.

so why is this a stupid idea?
  • i routinely over-promise and under-deliver
  • while i have been writing for as long as i can remember, and have started writing consistently again and am actually reasonably happy with what i'm doing, i'm still in the process of Getting Serious About It
  • what the hell do i know about blogs and sites i have never run one in my life
  • can i successfully con my writer friends (you) into contributing
  • to, again, be read by a potential audience of ~3 people not including ourselves
  • and honestly just because i'm 24 now does not mean i'm competent
  • aaaaAAAAAAAA responsibility?
but fuck it, i want to do it. and, yanno, if i do it now it won't cost me anything except time and dignity, and right now i have ... one of those. also, it makes me really happy to be working on something! as dumb as it is i'm actually really excited about this.



LOL
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bird
 Posted: Mar 24 2016, 07:15 PM
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the project has a name. the project even has a domain name! i found an old cheque i forgot to cash and figured that i might as well spend it on that. so now it's a legit site and shit.

now to figure out hosting and software. i'm gonna stop blabbing about this here but i'm pretty stoked?? hopefully it's up and running within a month or so.


other than that: there's freezing rain outside and i didn't sleep until 5am this morning. i am wiped. i went to a weird overpriced diner/hotel bar near my house to write and felt like a totally preposterous douche doing it. on the bright side: it's open 24 hours. on the even brighter side: translating gross medical stuff on the phone in a public place is truly a delight.
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bird
 Posted: Mar 27 2016, 09:53 PM
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so i survived easter madness, bm!

my bf's mom is italian and easter is a Big Thing, especially since now we're at that point where his family starts inviting my family over and it's that whole weird teeth-gnashing situation. that said, it went pretty well! bf's cousins are cool kids, and they have a dog now, and after a delicious dinner and a bunch of booze we go play soccer and foursquare and basketball out by the playground for hours. so that was a solid day, honestly! no complaints.

and yesterday i had a nice impromptu date, hung out at a dog park, went to a nice coffee shop, and bought a cool shirt. also! i am adding getting my G2 license and re-doing my expired CPR-C/first aid certs to the List of Things to Do While Unemployed and i am genuinely excited about those things (especially the latter). i am even considering doing a proper emergency first responder course (which is another blog post, but another thing i've thought about doing for years and never had the balls to do, and another thing i am excited about)

that said the end of the night was less fun and i am going to rant about it below but tw: discussion of sexual assault, rape, the justice system, me being angry and getting really personal about recent current events in dinner arguments

  

so towards the end of the night i hear bf's mom talking about the ghomeshi verdict with her sister, my aunt, and my mom in the kitchen.

now, if you're in canada, this verdict is a pretty Big Deal - right now my social media feed is filled with people playing armchair lawyer about the whole shebang. and it's insidious! it's everywhere. and even my own boyfriend, who is generally pretty great about all sorts of stuff, who does everything in his power to be a solid dude, saw it and said something like you know, the defense maybe had some points-- when the news broke. when that happened two days ago, i looked him dead in the eye and told him "i'm not going to fucking argue this with you. this is not a fun hypothetical thought experiment for me. you are not a lawyer, and i do not have any fucking patience to deal with this devil's advocate bullshit". please understand: this dude is a lamb of a man. an honest to god Good Person. we have never raised our voices at each other. also, it isn't his fault he doesn't know some things about me. so let's just say that this whole media thing has been rubbing at some sore spots for me! it brings up all sorts of not good shit.

(anyway, later he apologizes for bringing it up, makes a promise to do better, reads some stuff on his own. doot deet doot. good dude! good job dude. i like him very much.)

anyway. i'm out in the dining room, helping clean up dessert. bf is helping his brother with something in the basement, probably because he knows that... after dinner is usually when these discussions start. bf's dad gives me a sympathetic "oh... man... this is bad" when he sees the look on my face. and then there's me. i am picking up teacups like do not go nuclear, do not go nuclear, do not go --

and the thing about my bf's mom is that she's generally a pretty good person, but she's very opinionated and very, very argumentative. it's her way or the highway on just about anything and she is loud. and sometimes, you know, i respect that about her - she's not stupid by any stretch of the imagination, and although a lot of her talking points are about what you'd expect from a middle-aged suburban white liberal ("you know, i have so many ____ friends!") she does try. so, i mean, i try not to be confrontational, especially since it's her house and her big easter dinner and this is a big deal for her. and i have had a nice dinner and a nice time all around with her and her family. but.

but.

the point of contention is this: bf's mom cannot understand how someone, how a woman, could bring herself to be friendly with a person who sexually assaulted or raped them. and that these victims, by presenting a bad case -- by colluding, in her words -- by not being good victims -- have undermined the justice system for the women who really deserve it. and, oh yeah, maybe they're lying?? maybe they're lying.

i walk into the kitchen. and i say, in my best very flat terminator voice: "no, actually, i can understand that perfectly" because hahaha oh my god do i ever

you've seen this argument before on tumblr, probably. it's nothing new. if you haven't, it goes like this: i say, do you know how rare false accusations are in cases of sexual assault and do you know what navigating the justice system is, when the accused is a man you trusted, a man you respected, a man who other people trust and respect more than you and she says well when i was assaulted by a creep on the street -- and i say well that isn't how it goes for the overwhelming majority --

and so on, and so forth. i say just about everything you can imagine. i manage not to get personal. i manage not to say something like it's because of people like you i didn't call the police.

abruptly, at some point, i notice that one of the little cousins is peeking in, looking at me with big eyes and i am realizing oh my god this was such a mistake you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up this is not the kind of thing kids should be listening to. i stop talking. i look at bf's mom and hope she gets the hint.

but the argument sort of rolls on, petering out as people kind of wash up from the basement.

my aunt looks at me and says, quietly, in russian, "you know, i agree with you". which is still so surprising and shocking to me that my head is spinning just typing about it. my mother tells my aunt "i guess i just don't get it. i've never been in that situation." my aunt looks at me. my aunt says, "no, but if you had been, you would get it."

anyway, someone mercifully pulls an OH MY GOD LOOK AT THE TIME! in the ensuing rush while we wait for a ride to the station i kind of end up talking to bf like "hey, sorry, i'm just kind of upset, don't worry about it" and then of course he asks why and it's like ... well, now we're having this conversation.

we get interrupted by the kids running outside, by cars pulling out of driveways, by kids playing at the end of the cul-de-sac on their bikes somewhere far away. and i'm thinking, we've been dating for three years and i still don't know how to talk to him about so many things (and this isn't even remotely the only thing). i guess i figured he'd ask eventually. i guess it's crazy to be kind of upset when someone doesn't ask about what they don't know anyway.

all this to say is that i'm home and i'm fine although man my dentist is going to read me the riot act for grinding my teeth this much.
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bird
 Posted: Mar 29 2016, 03:52 PM
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went for a long walk, took bf out to breakfast, and went clothes shopping today! now to clean and go to a coffee shop and write. grandma is out of the hospital, too, so all's well on planet bird.

as cool as my new duds are, it's a real shame though that i can't look as cool/lame as my saint's row character, who kind of looks like dolph lundgren's badly-rendered long-lost progeny:


fig 3 and 4

user posted image

caught mid-blink woops

user posted image

flat-top 80's neo-coated avenger in GLORIOUS 2011 GRAPHICS

(shortly after i took this screenshot i was run over by a car)




i understand that this game is 1) an absurd GTA spin-off and 2) utterly juvenile 3) morally reprehensible in a lot of ways. however, i spent yesterday blowing up helicopters and beating my enemies down with a giant purple dildo, which is exactly what the day after easter madness called for.

(also for the record, you can wear female or male clothes regardless of gender, and also you can make your protagonist as skinny/jacked/fat as you like, which is surprisingly progressive for a game that's made for twelve-year-old boys.)

(actually, in case you're wondering, i maxed out the slider at 100% jacked. because, well, of course i did.)
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bird
 Posted: Apr 4 2016, 01:24 AM
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man, bm. this weekend. this weekend.

this weekend was a 48-hour long, non-stop emotional rollercoaster, fueled by zero sleep and a lot of alcohol, and i have cried more, drank more, slept less, and generally just felt more feelings in the space of those two days than i probably have in the past six months. i do not do feelings well, and i especially do not do putting a name to those feelings well: i am an emotionally constipated jerk from a long line of emotionally constipated jerks with shitty co-dependent tendencies. i am a consummate people-pleaser to the point where it is actually not pleasing to anyone. the way i generally do feelings is by convincing people i'm doing great so thoroughly that i myself am convinced; if you ran me over with your car, more likely than not, i would probably end up "it's fine"-ing and apologizing for denting your bumper all the way into my grave, or else end up going on a tire-slashing rampage six months later (possibly on a completely unrelated car) and not know why the fuck i'm doing it. in less hyperbolic terms: i detach from people and from myself, and/or blow up relationships that aren't working instead of trying to work on them, because that's easier. i'm a lot better than i was but i'm still not good at this shit.

so, man, this weekend was --- you guessed it --- the weekend of Relationship Shit. i am wiped. marrow-tired. friday was a shitshow in which i got messy drunk and acted like an idiot and cried in a warehouse parking lot and got home at 5:30am in the morning; saturday was a twelve hour sleepless whirlwind marathon of feelings. now it's 2:30am and i've spent sunday vegetating and recuperating and my eyeballs still hurt. my liver will never forgive me, but my boyfriend does. and i did not nuke the thing from orbit for once, and we are going to try and work out our shit together and man how the fuck do you even start with that? how the fuck do you do that.

still: things are at, say, DEFCON 3, right now, and i went into this expecting a nuclear wasteland. that's progress, right? i think that counts as progress. i think we're probably going to be okay.
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bird
 Posted: Apr 5 2016, 06:37 AM
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so, hypothetically, barbermonger, what if i were to leave mining forever (ololololol) and become a ~space scientist~?? no, for real.

i mean knowing my luck that's exactly when the market would pick up but i'm sitting here looking at graduate programs so bear with me. also i hate mining. exploration work is very different from what i was doing back at my old job and involves exactly what i love the most - being in remote areas and mapping for fukken weeks - but there is absolutely no exploration work right now, and i am reasonably sure that there won't be any for at least a little while in the near future. on the other hand, while i am still sorting out my feelings re: academic douches, i feel more at home with them than the mining douches. so!

my current non-mining thesis topic ideas (that have viable supervisors with a little scratch -- there is no way in hell i can afford to pay for my own field work lmao) basically boil down to:

1) sedimentary structures in Archean komatiites and other bizarre magmas -- this is probably the least easy to explain but trust me, it's fukken COOL. i have to go to saskatchewan or nova scotia and it isn't space, but fieldwork could really be anywhere in the world, although probably in northern canada and possibly northern russia. it's a personal fave of mine, has applications for going back to the working world, and involves working with a geological survey. which is pretty much a geologist's dream job, tbqh.

2) stuff involving surface processes, sand dunes, and paleoclimate - builds off my undergrad thesis (ie i actually know what i'm talking about), also very cool. mass extinctions! wacky adventures with extremely dangerous reagents, and most likely more fieldwork in the southwest US (which i feel pretty safe in - compared to say, australia or northern russia - and know pretty well). downside: not doing fieldwork in australia or northern russia. fieldwork can always get sketchy so you might as well do it somewhere where you get street cred/would never dream of going on your own. plus i speak russian well enough that i might survive. i am genuinely a little afraid of fieldwork in an australian desert though.

3) basically number 2) but as it relates to either meteorite impacts on earth or, no shit, exoplanets. exoplanets!!! this may have less fieldwork and more lab work and data analysis, but it'll be radar data from NASA missions so that's pretty dope. may involve going to patagonia or the southwest US for thesis work? may have to also learn entirely more biology, statistics, and physics than i know. involves working with a lady who works with NASA, which is about to close to my childhood dream (well one of them) of working for NASA myself and (to me) essentially touching the face of god. i can also get a reference letter from another lady who works with NASA, who was a favourite prof of mine and who i desperately want to impress even over a year after finishing school. (by the way: my NASA senpai noticed me, but then rejected my facebook friend request, probably because i went to go work for the enemy mining sector. i have never been so wounded by an FB rejection since, like, being a teen. so let's not underestimate what i would do to get senpai to notice me again)

4) ????????????????????? not doing a master's degree? going to another field? becoming an EMT or a ~young professional~ or something? disappearing into the aether?? who the fuck knows.


there are a bunch of different considerations between 1-4, like where i'm going to live and what that's going to mean for the rest of my life, whether or not i have what it takes to be a real fucking space scientist, and whether or not i am kidding myself about my ability to handle grad school given my mental health stuff, or get in to grad school at all. also i am committing to living below the poverty line for 2-6 years, possibly longer if i stay in academia; incurring massive debt (after i just paid off all my loans); living in a place like rural ontario, saskatchewan, or some other buttfuck nowhere suburban town where i will be surrounded by a lot of ... well, exactly what you'd expect; and potentially having a really hard time moving from academia back into the mining sector (assuming i suddenly decide that i need good stable income, and change my mind about hating the mining world).

(i am 99% sure i won't change my mind about the mining world)

(i could be a ~planetary scientist~???)
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bird
 Posted: Apr 13 2016, 12:37 PM
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QUOTE
You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy.

You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like. If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.


i have so many mixed feelings about this.

because this has basically been the governing principle for my life. this is how i have dealt with and survived just about anything and everything. but maybe i'm the opposite of the intended reader -- i change myself too often, not not often enough. as a kid i went to a different school every year for 9 years and that opportunity to completely alter yourself is honestly the only thing i miss about being a kid. as an adult i'm always good at being somewhere new, at acquiring new hobbies new skills new personality traits new whatever. in short, i am very good at introductions. now i guess i'm afraid that i don't know the difference between the things i really care about and the things i've grown accustomed to. or that i'm something else besides a convenient collection of traits.

even now i tell myself i can still change all the time.

but man, bm, you gotta end up somewhere, right? you gotta end up somewhere.
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bird
 Posted: Apr 26 2016, 08:53 PM
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unpopular opinion time:


i am really sick of americans who say shit like "if trump wins, i'm moving to canada", especially american celebrities (see: lena dunham this week, probably half of your facebook feed). especially when said americans are white, well-off people, and/or have a problem with people fleeing shitty political situations and immigrating to other countries.

like, fuck off with that shit. we had harper here for a decade - so man, believe me, i sympathize deeply. but i hope each and every one of these people is treated just as shittily, and filtered just as stringently, and forced to go through just as much bullshit and pain at the canadian border as any other immigrant or refugee.

you don't like your elected head of state? tough titties, man.

to quote the video below, i just want to let you know... that some people have wars in their countries

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 Posted: Apr 29 2016, 12:45 AM
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welp, guess who's backsliding!

i mean, maybe it's PMS, or maybe it's all this hospital time lately and the fact that people in my life fucking suck, or maybe it's because i spent a week being sick which means that i couldn't really use my usual coping mechanisms. or maybe it's all or none of these things. the point is: i am definitely backsliding. hello again, depression. real nice seeing you again. certainly didn't get sick of you over my entire life and especially over the last couple of months.

i mean, i know it's a process. and i've had this since i was a kid - it's congenital, it runs in my family, i'm used to the ups and downs by now. but ... goddammit, i was doing so well.


user posted image


the people in my life fucking suck part though -- oh man. i will mean absolutely none of this in the morning and this is certainly at least 50% the depression and dull 2:00AM rage talking but what the fuck is up with people?? what is up with them??? like i actually do not get them and they fucking suck and i am just about done with trying to make friends and be social because people fucking suck.

not you, bm. you guys are cool.

and i really don't mean that -- i love people.

but... man. i have some flaky fucking friends. at first i thought it was me - and man, i'm not great with people! i have a long history of not being great with people.

and you know, confirmation bias is all too easy when your data set is near and dear to your own heart and self-esteem: when you feel shitty about yourself, it's easy to tell yourself that everyone hates you, and see it everywhere, or to tell yourself that you're amazing when really you're a piece of shit. it's easy to not reach out, or not be social, or not be open, or be shitty and self-centred, and blame the lack of interest of other people on them rather than on anything wrong with you, or to swing around the other way and feel worthless and feel like everyone's got it figured out. that's being a human 101, and we're all still learning it.

and part of it is me. i'm still working on my shit. but, man, i actually do feel pretty good about myself these days - depression notwithstanding - because i feel like being a relatively decent human is something that i have actually managed to do! i ask questions, i try to be helpful and courteous, i initiate stuff, i take an interest, i reach out. i do my best to own my shit and i deal with it and i do my best not to put it on other people.

and yeah, nobody owes you their friendship or your time, and no, i don't want a cookie for learning how to socialize. but -- man, i had some rough times, and i thought - okay, i will learn how to be a decent person to my friends and family and myself, and it'll get easier. and it did, in a lot of ways. but sometimes i feel like i've either missed something crucial, or i learned it too late.

and sometimes - days like today - i feel like i've been conned. like, yep, maybe i am exactly as worthless and stupid and pathetic as i always was.

and again, this is the depression talking. but on the other hand, the common denominator in all my shitty relationships is me. and on the other other hand (i have three) people are not machines in which you push buttons and get friendship. they have limited amounts of time and resources, emotional and otherwise. people do not owe you shit.

but the common denominator in most of my friendships post-university is the kind of friendship where the friend's only around when they really need something from me. the kind of friendship where we never just go grab a beer, or go do something fun together, or even just hang out - unless i'm somehow useful. breaking up? i'm the friend you call. moving? yep, here i am. serious emergency? looks like i'm the reliable one. shoulder to cry on? oh man. and i know what you're thinking - bird, you sound desperate, and if you were more assertive about setting boundaries this would not happen to you. or bird, just because these people don't call you and don't give a shit about you as a person, that doesn't invalidate your relationship with them! or hey, have you considered that maybe you're not initiating things enough?

well, i've been assertive! not mean, not dickish, just -- setting boundaries, i guess, which is another healthy well-adjusted person 101 thing to do. i no longer drop everything that i'm doing because so-and-so broke up with steve from tinder -- i express my condolences, like a normal person, listen and empathize for a bit, and then move on. and i am pretty comfortable with being on my own these days, this rant aside. also, i make a point of contacting these people in a non-crisis - so i'm not just sitting waiting for the phone to ring either. i invite them out to cool stuff, i try to initiate low-pressure hangouts, i try to be flexible and accommodating. and maybe i'm flattering myself, but i'd also like to think that i'm reasonably non-boring -- because if i was, i'd assume that these people would have deleted my number a long time ago.

well, guess how many people i've spoken to this month outside that one party (where i made an ass of myself to strangers) and my SO and immediate family? okay, let's take out conversations i initiate with my neighbour ("nice weather outside, huh?" "hey, how's your dog doing?"), or, like, baristas (who are lovely but come on, i've worked in the service industry too; half the job is making small talk with sad lonely weirdos such as myself). yeah... single digits.

anyway i have this friend who is a great person but also King Flake. and that's their issue, and they have a lot going on, and i feel bad even complaining about them. but yesterday, they messaged me first! for the first time in what feels like months. and i was so excited, you guys. i really was. we talked, made plans to meet up, joked around. and man, i'm fine with being on my own but... i missed that. i missed it a lot, you know. just talking? just doing friend stuff?

it'd be great to meet up, i said. yeah, i'm free this weekend!, i said.

"oh, by the way, do you mind swinging by my place on saturday?"

yep. you guessed it. they're moving this weekend. and they were just wondering if i could help with the boxes.
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bird
 Posted: May 9 2016, 04:37 PM
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turns out the backslide was pretty bad! last week was completely a wash. i apologize to everyone i have ignored: there's really no excuse and i'm the worst but i am slowly clawing my way back into being a functional person.

but i'm back and i'm doing pretty good now! well. kind of back. systems are powering up but not quite at go. i did manage to do some things in the last little while: i drank about a bottle of bourbon with an old friend and reconnected (more on this later maybe with a treatise on WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE DUDE FRIENDS AND IT'S A FUCKING MINEFIELD), i read a good book, i went for a nice hike.

also for mother's day i got both my mom and my aunt presents and i really really hope it made my aunt happy because she's the fucking bomb. also for mother's day, another argument with my bf's mom -- i have got to stop letting that woman bait me into arguments i know i don't want to have because it is exhausting but fucking chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiist

in any case i am about to go see a dumb superhero movie and eat colombian food and act like i am an okay human being and not a sorry hollow mess in a human suit. i will be okay. i will be okay! i will be okay.

(a dumb aside: sometimes i like to draw parallels between weird shit, like the spy fiction i've been reading and the CBT workbook i sometimes pick through before throwing across the room. when you think about it, they do have some very similar tenets: namely, that if you do a thing enough you can even condition yourself to believe it and accept it as truth.

maybe i would be more receptive to this self-help shit if it sounded more like john le carre grim-darking at me: cover is what you believe. your cover is a human being who can get out of bed and maintain human relationships. you are embedded in the hostile country of Your Brain and you can trust nothing in it.

probably not though. it gets insufferable after a little while.)
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bird
 Posted: May 10 2016, 06:25 PM
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tfw you're not sure if you're falling out of love with someone or if you just fundamentally lack the ability to experience love at the moment because of your mental illness

tfw you're not sure what's worse: grieving the loss of your independence and agency when you're in a relationship, or grieving the loss of the only real good stable relationship you've ever had because despite everything else, despite everything that's shitty right now, he is a fundamentally decent and good person and you care about him deeply

(but if you really cared about him, wouldn't you be happier right now? or are you so selfish that you think you get to be sad?)

tfw you're not sure if you're fundamentally broken and you know your partner deserves better

tfw your partner wants you more than you want them, and maybe you deserve better too? (but you don't, of course you don't, says the creeping spectre of depression in your head that you know is completely irrational but that doesn't mean it ever leaves you)

tfw the sex is so lackluster you can't even bear to have it any more because you hate lying about it and you're not sure if it's a symptom of depression or a symptom of the fact that he doesn't care

tfw your partner is pretty satisfied with it though because he's a pretty vanilla dude with a lower sex drive than you and you are the woman of his dreams but he's not the man of yours

tfw you're in a long-distance relationship with a person who lives in the same house as you

(a house that you pay for and have been paying for for months even though you don't have a job)

tfw your only friends are straight men, and when you tell them about this stuff they see it as an invitation, because you're hurting and vulnerable and raw but goddamn it you're not fucking falling for it this time. tfw you have to manage those friends and subtly manipulate the situations in which you meet them, the way you talk to them, because even your oldest and dearest friends are dangerous now and you can only afford piecemeal honesty. and who else are you going to tell? your boyfriend? what will you say? "my best friend wants to fuck me because i told him that we're on the rocks"? yeah wow. that's gonna go over well.

and of course tfw ... what are you going to do? tell your only friends to fuck off? you have nobody. you have nobody. so this is what you will need to do: resolve never to be vulnerable, and to now meet only in groups for superficial conversations, for movies, for beer, for board games, to say "yeah, everything's fine" and aggressively insist on the well-being of your relationship because even the good straight men only understand boundaries when another man is involved. say it until you almost believe it. (be callous whenever you want to be kind. be distant and remote when all you want is to be honest.) say it until a few more months go by, and then a few more, and then you die and the worms eat you.

the other option is of course never to talk to these people at all and become a recluse and stare at the wall and convince yourself that you hate people anyway and you can fix your own problems. you are a rock, you are an island, you are the ghost of wailing garfunkels past and you don't need these people anyway. you don't need anything anyway. you have so much to be grateful for, and everything you do makes everybody else so happy. (they're already planning your wedding, did you know that? your father has even stopped talking to you about your career because now you won't need to have one.)

tfw you have no idea how to feel any more about anything

(most animals will chew their own leg off to escape a trap, but a lynx won't. it'll just sit there, waiting for the situation to change, even with a single claw caught in the trap and the hunter coming.

you always thought that was hilarious. bizarre. what a stupid animal, right? what kind of creature lacks an instinct for basic self-preservation?)

tfw ... do you even feel any more? really, do you?
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