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 Note to self, blah de dah
Bleedpretty
 Posted: Sep 28 2016, 11:44 AM
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i try to not read back through these entries. i feel like it's all incredibly self absorbed and whiny. i can't help but to feel that way i guess, i'm usually the sort to bottle it up, stuff it into a little box and shove it all into some dank corner in the back of my head because fuck dealing with problems.
but hey, that's how i ended up in a 5 year abusive relationship. just don't think about how fucked up it is! it'll be finnnneeee.

apparently i have a neck sprain. the chiropractor is cool as shit but he hurts me. he went easy on me today but i'm still hurting. got some ice, pain pills, and twizzlers rn so i'm pretty content i guess.
i'm not sure how i sprained my neck, but it makes sense. the first x-ray report came back with 'straining associated with whiplash'. so that's kinda weird. whatever happened, it traveled down into my arm and all down my right side.
chiropractor yelled at me for not communicating better. he says i need to tell him when i'm hurting. realistically, i know this. but that's not what happens. instead, just like with pt, i bite my tongue. seems to be the story of my life.

the puppy is fucking CUTE. they decided they didn't like titus, so we went with koda. i like koda as well, and it really is fitting. he's so wound up, 110% pup. chases the little dog, runs around like a maniac, wary but really interested in the cats. pretty smart too, like a little ray of sunshine for me right now.

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And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
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And with soft deceitful wiles.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Oct 12 2016, 11:23 AM
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i seriously cannot wait for the day i get to post on here: GUESS WHAT?! I'M BACK TO NORMAL!
i'm so tired of this.

i've been getting increasingly strange symptoms, 2 migraines in a span of 3 days. i've never had a migraine before and when i hit the 'aura' stage that first time, i seriously thought i was going blind. i woke up and it looked like everything was in 3d but i didn't have the glasses for it. i had a blind spot in my vision. next thing i know it feels like someone is scooping my eye out with a spoon. i ended up puking the second time, i had a dr appt and i had to go. Thankfully my mom has been driving me since i'm on some serious meds.

then i started getting these awful spasms from mid lower back going all the way down to behind my knees. it hurt so badly i couldn't sit or stand or lay down without being in agony. the only thing that helped was walking. the doc gave me muscle relaxers. fuck that noise. i slept for like 16hrs on those things. at least the spasms have stopped though. endo took some blood.

i am now also unemployed. my boss wanted a definite time as to when i would be back, i couldn't give it to her. my doc said it might be months. in a way it's a relief because she was breathing down my neck and i really am dealing with enough shit not knowing wtf is happening. in another way, it's terrifying. i have savings but they're only so much. i need to get better soon. i'm tired of being stuck in the house, in constant pain.

scary words have been tossed around, but there's no speculating on my own. i'm just trying to stay off the web in that regard. better to not try and self diagnose.

other than that, i've decided to start trying to draw more. i really need to do something productive. oh! and i went geocaching for the first time. it's pretty cool.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Nov 12 2016, 11:02 AM
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it has been a bit since i updated. things haven't been great and i've been using things to keep my mind busy- namely i started playing my old mmo again. it's just been nice because i got my old guild back on and we started a discord chat. it's been good to dive into something and completely occupy what little bit of headspace school and writing didn't already fill.

i went about a week with no migraines and i thought i was in the clear, then i had 2 within 24 hours, complete with puking and the whole shebang. the worrisome symptom was the numb hand, it didn't fall asleep, it didn't tingle, it was completely numb. i couldn't feel it. then i had an issue where someone had sent me a text and i tried to read the text. i can't remember what the it was, but while i was attempting to read it, i realized i couldn't read? i couldn't read the words. they were simple words. i knew the letters, but i had to think about them really hard and spell the word aloud several times before i could understand it. so that was fun.

blood work came back with high sedimentation, which i guess is inflammation... big surprise, and high WBC. endo said, no more chiro until i see a neurologist. so i waited 2 weeks to get into this lady, she's some kind of famous or something idk. my mom picked her out. lady was fucking amazing. she was like a nice version of dr. house and i really liked her. she said my arteries may have been pinched or dissected during the neck manipulations, but she called and got me in for another MRI THAT NIGHT. they did 3, 2 with/without contrast on my brain and 1 on my arteries. they had to sedate me with valium this time. she said she'd call yesterday but never did and i'm not sure if that's good or bad. we'll go with good.

bad news though (fuck 2016 amirite?), my DOG has started having neck problems! it's breaking my heart. she was fine one day, the next she wouldn't come out from under the bed. then she was holding her head down and trembling, she screams when you pick her up or if she moves the wrong way. we already tried 1 injection last week but i had to take her back yesterday. she screamed the whole way down the stairs when i carried her but i have no choice but to carry her. anyhow now she's on 2-4 weeks of strict cage rest, muscle relaxers, pain pills, anti inflammatory meds and something to take at night to help her sleep and give her neurological relief? wow. i really can't take my dog being hurt on top of all this bullshit.

so that's where i'm at.

oh and THEN i find out yesterday after emergency run to the vet that the package i sent to voodoo got delivered to somewhere else? GREAT. COOL.

this year has just been shit. it really has. i've never had so many bad things happen back to back to me/the people i love. someday this blog will have good, positive things on it instead of this wall of negativity and depression. i have to believe that things will get better.

i have As in my classes though, that's a plus. fuck you counselor who told me i couldn't go into what i want to. suck my giant straight A dick.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jan 7 2017, 04:09 PM
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well goodbye 2016, you won't be missed. ended up that the chiro kinked one of my arteries when he did the high velocity neck manipulations, the neuro said i was lucky that i didn't have a stroke. the pain is (as far as they can guess) severe tendonitis- probably from overuse at my job. speaking of my job, i guess my boss's promise of working with me when i felt better was an empty one.

but you know what, i'm really fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself. this year is going to be better. i've got 5 classes left before i can transfer, 4 of which are this semester. the last 1 will be in the summer minimester. i finished last semester with a 4.0 and hopefully i'll do the same this semester. i'm trying to get financial aid, but it's been complicated. i took too many classes the last time i was in school and went over the limit. hopefully that works out.

i've started trying to run again, i think i'll pick up yoga again too, try to build up some strength. i'm hoping to be able to work at the school, but if not then i'll pick up something else. it just has to be part time and flexible since school obviously is a priority. also i may be moving in the fall so no point in working somewhere that wants me to stay for a while.

i feel a little better, i'm picking myself up. things will be okay. everyone i love is still alive and i am not still with that abusive ex so... i have to be grateful for that. i have goals and a path to achieve them, i think i'm headed in the right direction.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Feb 8 2017, 07:37 PM
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so i got the job at the vet clinic! i had a working interview and they said that they wanted me, that and they wanted to pay me more than i'd asked for. (what employer does that???) that shift was awesome though, i sat in on 4 surgeries and the doctor is super cool. she showed me an egg follicle on a cat ovary, much to my delight.

i had to pee in a cup for the first time in my life, which was fine because despite the post with the weed leaf shorts, i actually really don't partake that often and it's been months. but yeah, aside from those results it's a done deal.

i've been running a lot again, and doing a LOT of yoga to try and gain back some flexibility. i think it's helping with my stiffness in my neck and shoulder, though it's still sore.

i'm in a much better place now, pain really gets you in a funk. especially constant pain. the only thing that stops me now is the migraines. my new employer knows about them, knows that they put me off my feet 100% and they're completely random. i told them up front and they were still fine with hiring me. i'm just so terrified that i'm going to get one now, i'm not going to lie... i live in fear of them. not even because they suck-- but because they limit my life. i can't let it rule me though, i've already come to that conclusion. i'm not like some people who have them weekly or even daily. i'll be okay, i heard they fade with age too which is good.

my ex employers... god. i still haven't gotten my w2 from them. i contacted them because, y'know, it's illegal to do what they're doing... but i guess they're sending them now. in a way, having them turn their backs on me was one of the best things that could have happened. they are a couple, the guy is super nice and understanding, but i honestly was constantly concerned about the woman blowing up on me. she's done it a lot over the years over trivial things. now i have a healthier environment.

so in short, i feel a lot better.

school is kicking my ass though.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Mar 2 2017, 10:32 PM
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oh i have to rant somewhere. i'm seriously infuriated at the moment and trying desperately to not be because i know that's how people get to control others. if you allow yourself to become emotionally riled then you are allowing someone else control over you. that's what i've come to learn anyhow.

so i get a message today from my old boss stating that their new groomer is cutting her hours down and asking if i want to work 1-2 days a week. what? what the actual fuck? i called and left messages in january only to be ignored and now you're messaging me? well, i am polite and told her that no, i am not interested. (only after thinking about it for a full day though, because hey, it is a lot of money for little work) i said: 'thanks for the opportunity but after receiving no response after the holidays when i messaged about returning, i had to move on.' okay so maybe i couldn't resist bringing up THE FACT THAT I WAS FUCKING IGNORED, but it was diplomatic. sweet and simple. the end. i then get a long rambling text from her husband stating that he's "disappointed" and that this hurts after "all they've invested in me" and how i never contacted them. contacted being in quotes.
1. they invested nothing in me. my tools and education were mine. i built up the clientele from NOTHING, it's not like they handed me a full book.
2. yes i did contact the wife. the big boss. i also spoke to the husband in person before i contacted the wife. i heard nothing back. so why exactly is "contact" in quotes? i have the phone log. i definitely called and left a message.
3. the fucking manipulative wording, it's so passive aggressive and terrible. disappointed? what is he my father? thankfully no. no he is not.

no. i'm tired of this shit, i'm tired of being made to feel guilty over taking a vacation after 2 years of none, i'm tired of living in fear of a phone call from the 'big boss' because i never know what sort of mood she'll be in. i'm tired of having to bend over backwards and getting no respect for it from the people i work with and getting lectures when i don't want to take an extra dog or work an extra day before the holidays.

these people turned their backs on me and they're pretending i'm the one doing it to them. this shit always seems to happen to me, i somehow end up the bad guy even though i go out of my way to do things right. every. single. time. i think it's because so many people in my life are/were toxic. i've cut so much of that out and man it feels a hell of a lot better to exist now. funny how people weigh you down and you don't even realize.

anyhow, new work is going great. i love the new people i work with though i am exhausted. i feel respected. for once.
school is busy, and i'm uncertain about what i want to do in the future now since my career choice isn't looking to be a smart one when you take into consideration the job market and how much it will cost for me to get through school.

i actually have money again. you don't really realize how big a deal it is to be able to walk into a grocery store and buy things you want and need until you don't have that. god. i can buy my own goddam coffee and drive my car again. i feel like a real adult.

i've been soaking up my writing lately, craving that escape. it's almost insatiable.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Apr 9 2017, 05:15 PM
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so i came to what probably should have been a very obvious self realization today.

i have allowed myself to become a victim of my circumstances.

i have taken what I believed were steps to righting this, but i realized that even while maybe not actively wallowing in self-pity, i have still become a bitter person. bitter towards people, bitter towards relationships, bitter towards time for daring to pass.

if i want to be happy and satisfied with my life, i don't need a list of steps to take in order to reach that place, i just need to do it. seems simple enough. it's not.

i have made a list anyhow. i also, for the first time ever, have made a budget. a REAL spreadsheet! with calculations and everything! like an adult!

i also came to the realization that i need to stay on top of my vitamin d intake, i lose it super fast. i ran out of my script and just never took normal supplements. i not only get incredibly depressed, but i start to have no energy. all i want to do is eat, sleep, and drink. that's not me. even if this school/work thing is seriously rough.

i've also been working on my anxiety, which is surprisingly much worse online than in real life. on both fronts i've started trying to not be apologetic, to not feel shame for everything i do or say or feel. it's ridiculous, but i've been stuck in this perpetual loop of wanting more, being unable to get more, and then feeling as though i don't deserve more. cue depression stage.

so i made a plan.

i'm not going to shove a bunch of schooling at further education when what i want to go into will not be financially dependable in the future.

i'm going to stay at this clinic for at least a year, brush up on my tech/surgical knowledge, and save money.

once i have enough cash, i'm going to buy a condo downtown.

depending on financial compensation by this point, i will either apply to the specialist clinic downtown or continue on at my current place of employment-- which i would prefer. the specialist clinic pays much higher though, and i can't just do a .50 raise a year deal. i'll be below the poverty line for forever. we'll see.

this is my plan. i feel better for having direction back after figuring out how poor a choice my schooling/career would be.

i'm also going to start living like i'm happy and not like i'm working towards happiness. i feel like happiness is something you need to train your brain to understand.

so no. i'm not going to be out of my parent's house anytime soon, but fortunately we get along well and they don't mind me being here. maybe it doesn't look good to potential dates but hey. i'm trying to be smart. this means i will have a lot of cash saved back. it means the difference between $1,200+ a month rent and a 700 ish mortgage. it's the smart choice, even if i am antsy. i have medical bills to pay, i have savings to replenish.

i feel like i'm at the bottom of a hill and starting up to the top-- at the beginning of a new chapter.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Apr 25 2017, 07:48 PM
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not much upsets me at my job, death is a part of the process. sometimes you see wonderful beautiful things, other times you see the ugly-- like neglect and abuse. it's always painful to a degree, but easier to process since we're there to help. even if help means offering a painless end to suffering.

we had a cat today that was pregnant, had already birthed two kittens, the first was healthy. the second had an abdominal hernia with a tear, perforated intestines-- it had to be put down. the third, and last, was stuck in the birth canal, where it had been for nearly twenty-four hours at this point.

i was on 'slinging' duty, which is to say, i work at removing any mucus that might be obstructing the airways and attempting to rouse the kitten-- attempting to get it to breathe on its own.

it wouldn't rouse.

we used a solution to attempt to stimulate respiratory function.

it didn't work.

i could feel a heartbeat. until i couldn't.

it feels like my fault.

she slipped away in my hands and there was nothing i could do.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: May 4 2017, 08:25 PM
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today was uh... not good. i sort of wonder how it is that i seem to attract the crazies? is it me? do i give off some unspoken 'COME HERE AND UNLOAD ALL YOUR CRAZY' vibe?


this has been copied from elsewhere because i can't be bothered to retype and it's a lot.

So I work as a vet tech in a small hospital, our clinic has one MD and a partner vet who works at various clinics alternating. Our main doctor is out of town for the week, and today was the first day that I've worked with the relief vet. The relief vets are supplied by a 3rd party company, from what I understand, though I honestly don't know much about it. I don't think they are actual employees of my company, but rather contractors of a sort.

My shift was a half day, from 12-6. Lunch is typically 12-2 so the following interactions happened between 2-4:30:

1. Commented on a dog's nose stating that God had forgotten to give it one. Once the dog was put away he promptly called me aside, got into my personal space, to say the following: "This might be a little inappropriate... you're not going to turn me in are you?" I looked at him, confused, back stepping to create space between us every time he advanced, which was often. I didn't answer. He continued on. "We used to have a saying: What God has forgotten we stuff with cotton." He laughed, I just looked at him again. He said; "You get it right?" I said sure and walked away.

There were two incidences after that on the same topic where he attempted to revisit the subject. He said: "Have you ever heard that saying?" And I said no and walked off. Then he followed me and said: "You get it right? I don't have to explain it to you do I?" And I said "Please don't." And once again walked away, immediately picking up a conversation with a co-worker.

2. Commented on a sticker on a locker that said 'Caution: will bite'. Once again waved me over to point it out. He proceeds to tell me a story about when he went to a convention and saw a vendor selling stickers that said 'Caution: in heat' he took one and put it on the back of a female sales rep. He laughed. I did not. He said "Some day I will grow up." I said "Okay." He then looks at me and says: "I still can't bathe myself." I lifted my brows and turned away and walked off.

3. I avoided him for about an hour after that, but the third and last incident is what pushed me to finally snag my manager. He sought me out, found me despite my best attempts to hide, and said: "Hey, can you come look at this for me? I've never seen this before and I just need you to look at it." I thought maybe it was work related. I followed him into the office where he proceeds to show me a picture of a light on his computer, it's a listing for a black light for sale-- the kind we use to identify ringworm or certain kinds of skin issues. He says: "Have you ever seen this before?" And I said... "Well yeah, we use them sometimes for ringworm and eye issues." And he said: "Read the description." And at the bottom there is a snippet about using the lamp for rape detection. He highlights the words 'rape detection' and goes: "Have you ever dealt with this before?" And looks at me. I'm sure I was gaping because... what? Really? I said "No." To which he replies:

"Good for you."

What.
The.
Fuck.

I was already walking out and heading up front to talk to the other girls, asking if he was saying anything to them that was like this. They said no. I went and spoke to my manager who listened and then told me to go home through the front with one of the other techs, and that I would still get paid for the day. She asked if I would grab the male tech to come talk to her first, because he was supposed to leave at 5 and I was supposed to close with this creep alone.

The male tech was in a room with the doctor, so I got my things out of the office while the doctor was out of there and waited up front with the girls. When I heard the client come out I went through one of the empty exam rooms and peeked into the pharmacy to see if the male tech was in the pharmacy. When he wasn't I peeked back out into the hall-- the doctor was there. He waved me to him again and I shook my head and waved him off before moving back into the room. No one was in the pharmacy so I went back into the treatment area because I heard him open the exam room door behind me. (Our clinic is like two intersected circles inside.) I walked through the treatment area, which was also empty, to head back towards reception and he opened up the door again, all but chasing me! I walk a lot faster than him though and I ducked back through an exam room and went up front. When he came up there I was hiding behind a wall. The girls were watching him to tell me when he left, and apparently he went and looked for me in the bathroom? He was searching the reception area but didn't come up to the front far enough to be able to see where I was. One of the other techs witnessed his following after me. I finally grabbed the male tech and asked him to come into the office with me to talk to the manager. The tech who had seen him following me also came and informed the manager that she'd seen him chasing after me. They instructed me to go through the front and the one tech walked me to my car.

so yeah.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: May 5 2017, 05:01 AM
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i'm still so angry. i barely slept last night. i'm mad that he had the gull to do something like that, that there's nothing more i can do aside from attempt to escalate it via hr but i doubt anything will come out of it.

i'm also mad that i couldn't manage to just tell him to fuck off. why did i do the deer in headlights thing? why didn't i snap back?

i've never been in a position where someone of authority is saying things like that to me, making it just questionable enough that i'm not sure how to respond, and yet i know in my head it's totally fucked. he was preying on shock value, preying on the fact that i couldn't just get up and walk away.

crazy creepy old man.

i'm trying to not think about him. he doesn't deserve power over my sleep or my thoughts.

it's easier said than done.



i feel like i'm a character in some poorly written soap.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: May 17 2017, 10:16 AM
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well, the ending to the previous story was actually relatively satisfying despite my doubts.

after i left, he went into my manager's office and asked where i went and why, she basically told him it was none of his business. he then started turning his charm onto her. big mistake.

creeper man has a record, as it turns out. he had somehow slithered past the background check for the relief agency he worked at. so we look into him, see that he not only has an arrest and was charged with a misdemeanor (indecent exposure-- big surprise amirite), but that he had a ding on his vet's license as well. we filed a police report for a paper trail in case he came up and tried to do something else later on, then my manager talked to his company and he got fired. she's also going to be going to the licensing board. this man is 83!

anyhow, it seemed like a huge ordeal at the time, but i have found that i was more angry at myself and my general lack of reaction. i've never had to deal with something like that before with someone in an authoritative position. the silver lining is how it has affected my relationship with my manager. we had an oddly tense feeling between us, i think because we are both awkward in similar and different ways-- it's like everything just sort of fell short. now we're good. she proved to me that she has my back and that's worth a lot.

in other news, i'm going to germany very soon. we're going to munich and nuremberg and i'm pretty excited. i'll take some pics for sure.

also should be heading out to la sometime, but it's more of a whenever my schedule allows it. i have a voucher from my flight last year just burning a hole in my pocket. gonna hang out with my uncle for a bit, i've never gone out to visit him, he always comes here. so that'll be fun.

right now i feel good! classes are over and that's so much stress off of my back. i haven't even looked at my grades yet. i'm just glad to have a real day off.

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