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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 1 2016, 08:04 PM
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it's nice to turn the other cheek, but it's also nice to have a spine.

--------------------
And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 4 2016, 09:59 AM
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not everyone is inherently evil, a master manipulator, or has ulterior motives. you don't have to recoil like a hand shy stray, it's okay to be wary but closing up entirely means the wounds will never fully heal. ignoring them for a time may work, but they will inevitably become infected and the pain will be far worse.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 5 2016, 09:43 PM
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I don't really talk much about my personal life anywhere. Not publicly anyhow. The past twelve months have been a veritable nightmare for me, only now starting to improve. I've wondered at times if I was somehow stuck in some kind of soap opera, or maybe in a bad dream, things have been so unbelievably dramatic and crazy.

I stopped telling most of my friends about it... because I came to the realization that when an acquaintance sends you a 'how are you doing?' text they really probably don't care. No one wants to be slammed with a constant wall of negativity. I've never been that person before but wow. Life has been taking a gigantic shit on my head. So I think I shall share some of these snippets, because if nothing else, it's cathartic to put into words and get off of my chest.

This will not be in chronological order.

user posted image

I'm going to go ahead and slap a big ol' content warning on this blog. Language, sexual content, drug use, alcohol use, rape, mental disorders, ED... pretty much all of the triggers depending on what ends up coming up in these various piles of word vomit.

Consider yourself warned.

--

I knew her for two years before. We were close but maybe not overly so. It's hard for me to tell anymore, people are so complicated. She told me about her boyfriend, I told her about him. We were friends. We bonded. That at least is true.

Right after I left him, she told me that I should tell her how I feel. Ah yes. Her. The girl that I have quietly been in love with for more than four years now, the one who I have not seen in over a year and yet can recall every nuance of her face. Her smile. Her eyes. I have pined silently, I have tried to crush it out, I have distanced myself as much as humanly possible. Though I admit, I cannot bring myself to unfriend her on facebook. I am too weak for that. No, it simply isn't an option to tell her how I feel and not because of lack of gut to do so. She has someone already. Long term. She seems happy, and besides... the ties between her family and his are too close. I'm not that sort of person. No... she will never know how I feel. Even if it kills me to see her pop up on my feeds. This isn't about that girl though, the one I long for, this is about the supposed friend who encouraged me to express myself.

She agreed eventually that I was making the right choice. Maybe too fast. I don't know, I try to not over analyze every single exchange but it happens anyhow. That's how I am.

She came to me not even a month after I clawed my way out of hell, the rubble and ash of my life still smoldering behind me. I'm certain I still had soot on my face, grime under my fingernails. It wasn't over yet though. She knew that. I knew that.

“I want to take you out.” She said. I had already polished off a half of a bottle of bourbon. I didn't want to go, but I agreed anyhow. Who even knew that bars were open on Christmas day? I didn't. Alcohol weakens inhibitions, mine are no exception. I said yes. I let her drag me around to various places. It was late, there were an excess of already drunk, smarmy individuals who were presumably looking for a quick fuck at each of our stops. I was glad she was with me.

“I'm just not sexually attracted to you.” She said to me. Repeatedly. Like... ten times. At least. Which confused my drunken self because... when had I asked?

“I hope that doesn't bother you.” She said. But it did bother me, though not for the reasons she likely thought. It bothered me because I had never shown her the slightest grain of interest beyond platonic friendship. That's because it didn't exist. Do people randomly tell other people they're not sexually attracted to them? How strange and awkward. I, as is standard for me, said nothing. I wonder now if this gave her the wrong impression. Actually... I'm almost certain of it.

She knew how I am about touching, being touched or initiating touch. It makes me uncomfortable, some kind of nonverbal human communication that I am completely removed from. I always feel like some kind of alien, an outsider, lacking the understanding of it. Not that I don't eventually like contact, I suppose, and I do initiate and tolerate it from friends and family. But it isn't my favorite. I don't love it. I do not want to spend hours cuddling or being curled up with another. I do not crave it.
Maybe I'm broken.
I don't know.

But then... then the last bar she slid her arms around my shoulders and pulled me close, murmured into my ear and I could feel the warmth of her lips against my skin. But it was okay. Alcohol had taken me to a place where it didn't bother me. Instead, it made my heart pound. Which was very confusing, because I still, even then, did not feel that way towards her. Not emotionally. There was, however, a sort of undeniable sexual charge between us. At least on my end in that exact moment in time. I suspect she felt it too.

“Casey didn't want me to come.” She told me. “He thinks we're in love.” I didn't know what to say to that, I was definitely not in love with her. Never was.

She made eyes with a redhead at the last bar. She came over and they talked some. I guess they knew each other. Redhead pulled her aside and asked who I was to her. Which was probably a fairly reasonable thing to wonder after since she was all but clutching at me, my head was practically in her breasts. I learned how to drink a beer sideways that night. Beers I didn't need but I kept downing desperately anyhow. She told the redhead I was just a friend and they came back around, started making out right beside me. Which was fine, I was too drunk to care about it being awkward. I nursed my bottle and distracted myself with something on the television.

Then, and this is really strange, she asks my permission to go to the bathroom with the redhead... y'know... to do the do. Or... whatever. Why does she need my permission?? Who am I to stop a grown woman from doing whatever the fuck she wants? She was in an open relationship, and even if she wasn't... I'm not her keeper. So I say sure yeah, okay. Whatever. They went skittering off to the bathroom holding hands and I was left at the bar with the dude that had been trying to chat her up. His dismay was almost palpable and somewhat amusing to me. I guess I'm a bitch. I lit a cigarette and talked to him some. Just a little. I shut people down without meaning to, it just happens when I feel uncomfortable. I lit another cigarette from the one I was about to crush out. She still wasn't back. I was too drunk to feel as if it had been a while, I don't remember if I smoked another after that or not. It's all in clips and still frames at this point, that's the level of intoxication I was at. She came back at some point and told me all about what had happened in the bathroom in graphic detail. I laughed when she said I was her good luck charm.

I barely remember her getting me home, I invited her in to smoke. She agreed and asked me to a party or something afterward. I let her load the bowl and I sat on the bed. She joined me. Which was strange because there are two chairs in the room, right next to the bed. We smoked, I remember that, and not much after. I know I was sick, very sick. Did I take shots? I don't even remember. All I know is that I drank at least that half bottle of bourbon and closer to two six packs of beer than one. I think I wanted to hurt myself... I didn't want to feel anymore. I can't recall my motivations. Maybe I didn't have any. Maybe I did. I was hurting.

Next thing I remember is getting sick. I puked. A lot. I told her to please leave, she wouldn't get out of the bathroom and my lock was broken. I just wanted to fucking puke in privacy dammit. Is that so much to ask for? It's not as if I had hair to get anything in, my head was shaved at this point. I told her to go to the party, that I was fine. She asked if I was sure and I said yes. She left.

I saw her once after that. It was different. She told me Casey was mad at me. AT ME! What in the hell did I do? I was all but a hostage on this escapade. I mean... I didn't try and talk her out of anything, but again... she's an adult with free will and all that good stuff. I can't be held responsible for what she does, especially in my completely intoxicated state. I just laughed.
It was still different. I don't know why, but I have wasted a lot of time obsessively speculating. As I do.

She vanished off of the face of the Earth after that. I tried to text her, I needed someone at the beginning of spring. I had some health scares, I was afraid. They weren't as major as they could have been, maybe, but it was frightening waiting those two weeks for the test results.

Radio silence.
Fine. Fuck you too then.

She texted me four days ago in the middle of the night, apologized and said she and Casey had broken up. She asked how I was. I told her that things were much better, that I was in school and trying to finish what I'd started. That things had been crazy with my psychotic brother. That I had turned my life around and had gone back to my clean diet, my running, all the things that I had done before everything had gone down the tubes. That I had stopped drinking.

She never texted me back.

Ahhhh. Hm. I wonder why that is?
Actually. I think I know.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 7 2016, 07:19 PM
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For the longest time I was so hesitant to use the word rape. I didn't know what to call it, I mean, it wasn't like he held my hands down. It's not like I screamed and cried and begged him to stop. I suppose that because of this, I didn't believe that it was worthy of being called rape.

I did, however, tell him no. Repeatedly. He would touch me anyways, ignoring my words. Then I would lay there, not look him in the eyes and just wait it out. I'd find some spot on the wall to fixate on and wonder what in the fuck was even happening. I felt so dead and numb but I figured that since we were in a relationship that it was okay. It's not rape if you're in a relationship... right? I was young, naive, and believed that I was in love. I thought this was what happened sometimes in relationships. So I let it happen.

When he was done he'd roll off of me, usually to pick up his video game or to watch tv. My fingers would tremble as I pulled up my underwear. I felt so sick... So dirty. I cried after a lot, but he rarely noticed. I was good at being quiet, and he was always more interested in the tv after anyways. I would silently stagnate beside him, coiling in on the rotting space that was becoming my mind. How did other people do this? Was this really what it was like to be with someone?

"What's wrong babe?" He'd ask on the rare occasion that he took notice. I'd shake my head. I said nothing. Maybe that's where that wonderful habit of mine started.

I still have him as a friend on facebook. What brand of fuckery is that? Why even?

It astounds me how common this is with others, how many women I've spoken to who say that it wasn't rape because they weren't held down in an alley way somewhere, that it was their fault for ______________. ← Insert self blame here.

That was my first boyfriend. Not him.

He played at being understanding when I said I have hang ups, that I'd had some issues with my first boyfriend. I don't like rough sex, I don't like being pinned down, and when I say stop I want an immediate reaction. Not a delayed reaction after milking the sensation for a moment or two.

"I just can't help it." He'd say.

Really? You are so base in your function that you cannot understand and react to a simple request?
I know it wasn't just me either, I'd had a perfectly healthy sexual relationship before him. I never felt uncomfortable.

My ex boyfriend may have not held me down, he may have not been overly rough, but it still sent me into a bad headspace when it happened. That sort of thing scares me and puts me in that same panicky state of mind. I need time to get comfortable with a partner. I need to trust...

"You should trust me by now!!" He would get mad, angry. "It's been years!" I know was stiff with him, I was quick to recoil from his touch. He was too rough, would do things I repeatedly asked him to not, he would pin me down until I started to scream and cry and hit at him in desperation. He acted like I was being dramatic because he was 'just playing around.' No matter how many times I told him it wasn't funny, he always 'forgot'. Conveniently.

And I didn't trust him, not even in the most basic sense. The lies were too numerous and frequent, from about going to work to smoking a cigarette (which I never gave him shit for). Things I didn't even care about and there was nothing achieved by lying about them except to do so for the mere kick of it. How could I trust him the bedroom? Nothing he did ever fed my trust, only depleted it.

It never got any better. I found myself repulsed by him in the end. For a variety of reasons, but the way he treated my body as if it were his to do with as he pleased was a massive one. He would adamantly deny this, insist he was nothing but respectful, but that was never the truth.

Fucking asshole.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 11 2016, 09:20 PM
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ok so, my parents just got back from a twelve day trip to Germany. i am pretty damn pleased myself because wow their animals are a hassle. anyhow!

so they bring me this really pretty, hand blown glass necklace which i am very grateful for. then they hand me these:

user posted image

HAHAHA OH. MY. GOD. they buy these and tote them across an ocean to give to me. they are literally the tackiest thing i have ever seen in my life... the font just makes it.

my mom, god she's so damn cute, she goes: i thought the weed leaf was pretty.
i just love this woman.
I'M WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW

in other news, my testing went ok. not as horrifyingly bad as i'd feared. not great. just ok. i did, however, once again prove to myself that i am the world's most awkward creature.

i get to the testing site, i was told to complete the PAA before i arrived but it showed as complete on my personal account.

user posted image

so i talk to the dude who informs me that no, it was messed up and that i need to watch some video. (side note: said video was really lame. who needs to know how to check a box on a computer? really?) anyhow, so i have to find some little corner where i can watch this video on my phone without being bothersome. i find a spot outside, unfortunately across from an inside cafe where you know, tons of people are. so i set my papers down, commence video time, and am pretty lost in the little practice test. all of the sudden wind picks up and blows all my papers off. i NEED these for entry to testing. i go chasing after them, trip over a chair THEN TRIP AGAIN OVER MY OWN FEET. yes. in front of everyone both outside and inside. i am the color of the kool aid man and i wish that i would just spontaneously combust.

all i can do is laugh. so i do. awkwardly. people stare. i leave.

this all sounds like some kind of sitcom, sometimes i wonder how this is even real.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 16 2016, 08:32 AM
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Every single time I make a post like this I feel a little lighter inside. I have never really posted such personal things out in public like this. Here's the thing though, I have discovered that by writing about it all and putting it out in the world, it's no longer knocking about in my head. Like magic, poof!

It's gone.

I count that as a good thing because man my head has gotten noisy over the last year or so.

I'm going to rant a lot about what was the last straw that really broke it all for me. I am sad to say that I did not leave him for another three months after this. I should have walked out on him right then and there, but I was weak. I was co-dependent and afraid... not so much of losing my relationship, that was already dying, but of losing the relationships that came with the package deal. Aka, his parents, who were genuinely some of the nicest, most amazing people I've ever met. I did lose that relationship, as expected, but it was just not worth the toxic cess pool that had become my life.

So, last August, I found Tinder on his phone. Now, bear in mind, this man has barely worked through our relationship, he hasn't kept a job for more than 6 months. He was supposed to be finishing his degree because I wanted to go to school after that and I was the bread winner, so we needed him to have a steady and reliable income. He had one year left (or so he said, but then again everything that poured out of his lips seemed to be a lie or some version thereof.). ONE YEAR. Still didn't fucking finish, instead he messed around. He smoked a LOT of weed that he spent his portion of rent/bill money on, and he sat on his ass in his boxers all day. Hell, it even got to a point where I said I would be fine if he worked 20hrs at least and cleaned the apartment. He did neither of these things, the man was the foulest human that I've ever come across. He would roll out of bed around noon, then smoke, then sit on his ass and make a mess for me to clean up. So I stopped doing it. I stopped cleaning altogether thinking... surely he isn't so disguising as to not get the hint. Never. Got. The. Hint. So I lived in a pigsty because it was that or clean up after him. What the fuck, I'm sitting here bringing home all the money, the only one cleaning, the only one doing the laundry, the only one grocery shopping, the only one responsible enough to pay the bills, I was paying his portion of the rent about 80% of the time... wow.

He started out nice. Kind of. He said a lot of nice words but he really didn't do much else. He would rub my back. Sometimes. He was funny... there was that. Hmmmm what else... uh... not much. Oh. I THOUGHT he was faithful. That ended up not being the case either.

So on to the Tinder ordeal, and man this is a juicy one. I was writing, I think I may have even been on BM at the time. I was in the office and he obviously didn't expect me to be out anytime soon. He went into the kitchen and left his phone on the couch. Open. So I go to grab something by the couch and notice a strange chat screen. Now, I have a lot of chat apps on my phone, so I was wondering which was red and white because I had never seen it... I have never used Tinder in my life. So I pick up his phone and see that it's got some girl's name up at the top and that he's been talking to her. I didn't really scroll through the messages, I still didn't understand what this was yet. I'm not an overly jealous person really, so I click out to the main chat thing and I see that he hasn't spoken to just one girl, but SIX. I start to realize what this was. I immediately freak out. As soon as he turns to look at me, I see his face change and he goes all panicky. He comes running over and snatches the phone out of my hand and I, breathlessly because I feel like I'm about to vomit, ask him if THAT WAS TINDER. He doesn't answer. I demand that he give me the phone. He just stands there, frozen like a dumbass. I yell “GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE!” He says no but finally hands it over and I start asking what the fuck, what the actual fuck. He has literally no reason. I throw the phone onto the couch and I leave, go to the bar, and proceed to get completely shit faced. (which is around when I announced in cbox that I found Tinder on his phone. Drunkenly... announced. SMH.) Meanwhile he deletes the app so I have no way of seeing if the conversation was innocent (as he claimed LOL) or not.

So he spends the next two days groveling, not even taking the blame for it, just begging for me to not leave. Here was his story: He went on a business trip (at the time he did manual labor in a specialized field and had to travel. SUPPOSEDLY... what's to say he wasn't just out fucking other people? Yeah. Who knows.) and the story is that he left his phone in the car and his co-worker used it to download Tinder and that's why it was on his phone.
Uhm... so I ask... why does it have your picture on the profile? He said that the guy had bought something in the app and he thought it was going to charge him so he went and re-downloaded it to try and take it off, didn't know what it was and started swiping on the pictures that came up. Hahaha. Hmmm. Then these girls were supposedly complimenting him and he struck up 'innocent' conversations with them.
Oh. I see. You went on Tinder and were having friendly conversations! That's like saying you go to Hooters for the wings. Or that you like to go to strip joints because they have awesome steaks. I mean come on. Maybe you do like Hooter's wings, or a strip joint's steaks, but don't pretend you don't see what else is going on. THIS IS A FUCK APP. (Or, in the absolute best, a dating app.)

I tell him I need time to process. A request he does not respect. He gives me one day... then the day after that we're supposed to go to his parents and I say no. I won't go. He gets mad and ends up going without me. When he comes home he is drunk as fuck on gin. I have no idea how he even got home without killing himself or someone else. He's all sorts of angry since I didn't respond to a single text and, yes, I left my read receipts on. It was intentional. He blew up at me, got really physically aggressive to the apartment and our things, slamming things and throwing shit around. He weighed a good 100-120lbs more than me at the time, and I was already leery because he'd drug me across the apartment by my shirt like I was a rag doll before. He came in and started fighting with me, immediately aggressive, I told him I needed time to think and he said I didn't GET time, that it was either yes I was with him or no I was not. He was trying to intimidate me and I realize that now. He tried it several times when I left him, but since I no longer gave a fuck about the relationship I didn't care. It's hard to bully someone who doesn't care. I ended up going to bed with him, and I'm pretty sure I was the one who apologized. (that's the beautiful thing about being with an emotionally manipulative abusive asshole)

The next day we went to brunch with his parents, his dad tried to quietly ask him if everything was okay. He smirked, looked at his dad and said:

“Yeah, I laid down the law.”

What the fuck. Those. Words. It dried up everything left in me for him and I turned into an empty husk. The next three months were spent in a drunken stupor before I finally, FINALLY fucking left his ass.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 19 2016, 08:02 PM
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so today i proceeded to not only make an ass of myself but to make myself out to be a serious creeper. mhm.

so this new girl starts at work today, and she is cute. really cute. downright adorable. so my boss brings her back to introduce her to me.

he says: this is Erin, don't worry, she doesn't bite.

i look her in the eyes and i say in a completely serious way: actually... i do bite.

then i creepily maintain eye contact for a few seconds until i belatedly FUCKING REALIZE HOW WEIRD THAT IS TO SAY. why??? why this thing?
then, to make it worse, i start to flush. my face burns with the heat of a thousand suns. she just sort of looked at her feet and smiled awkwardly.
fail.

i couldn't look her in the eyes the rest of the day. yay for pretending weird things never happened!

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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 23 2016, 07:30 AM
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UPDATE: girl may not think i'm too creepy after all. however, there is a 50% chance she thinks i hate her because i don't know how to people.


this time next week i will be on a plane headed for colorado and i can't wait.

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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Jul 26 2016, 07:13 PM
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i still have nightmares about him. not every night like i used to, but they come around.

i'm always stuck and he won't let me go.
i'm always so fucking helpless and afraid.

almost eight months since i fled and i still am completely debilitated by one stray dream. my headspace is never quite right the days that follow.

how long will it take before he can't reach me any longer? how long until i am completely free?

my mom told me she still has nightmares about a man almost 39 years in her past now. is that what lies ahead for me?

i just want to be my own again.
i want to be whole.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Aug 7 2016, 04:40 PM
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sooo colorado was seriously amazing. i loved it. now i am a flat lander and i have not ever really seen mountains before, so i did not understand or expect altitude sickness. wow that sucked. i thought it was just me but no, ends up it's a thing. nose is still all bloody. gross.

the not fun part:

right before i left i pulled(?) my rotator cuff. the doctors were worried about disc issues but no problem there so far. they did some x-rays and put me on pain meds, told me to rest and go to an orthoped. i rested but did not go to another doc. stupid but i did try. anyways, i'm 99.9% sure it's just overuse and i picked up a heavy/fighting dog the wrong way.

here's why it sucked on my trip:
combined with altitude sickness, my pain pills made me feel sick as hell. i was nauseous with that on top of all the crazy roads (TEXAS HAS STRAIGHT ROADS STRAIGHT STRAAAAAAAAIGHT ROADS). my arm/shoulder/back/bicep tendon hurt a LOT which made me not great company. i wanted to do a lot of hiking! i didn't even start to feel better until wednesday and then it rained and gah. i wish i hadn't hurt myself before that trip, it was amazing.

THE AMAZING PART:

WOW colorado is really fun. i would love to live up in the mountains. or anywhere... remote with cooler weather. it was crazy that it was so cold there, in the 40s-60s! even during the day! wow and no humidity, who knew that made such a difference. i saw a sign that said 95 when we were in fort collins, i was wearing a sweatshirt. 95 in texas is like... 115. sweltering and horrible.

it was so pretty, the towns we went to were so cool! boulder was amazing, i loved the whole vibe of that city. i really want to go back, hell it's made me want to start back packing... i keep having these stupid daydreams of plucking up loki dog and going hiking/camping for multiple days. man oh man. EVEN STARTED A BUCKET LIST OF PLACES I WANT TO GO.
way too excited about this, i'll think about it for a while and if i'm still excited maybe i'll try to get into it. i get too overly eager about new things and then abandon them quickly. bad habit.
anyways.
it was great! now onto the butt ton of vacay pics. we stayed waaay up in the mountains so that was cool, wonderful views and tons of wildlife.

user posted image
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!!she slept outside my bedroom window
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user posted image central city was cool. i lost money.
user posted image a turkey! they're huge who knew
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this is not a good picture of me, but it amuses me anyhow. i look like i have evolved into my final form. a turtle!
(i don't drink anymore really but a glass of red was tempting tbh)

yay happy vacay!

**highlights**

-aunt dropping a 'special' cookie on the floor 4 times while trying to eat it.
-mom, aunt, and i teasing my dad about not trying rocky mountain oysters. (they are actually pretty good) he asked if i would eat a vagina. i told him that as my father he probably did not want to hear my opinion on vagina eating.
-ordering just a berry cobbler for lunch and being so stoned that i ate every last bite of the massive thing
-mom freaking out because my dad tried to show her a deer (she was convinced a bear was going to come for her the whole trip)
-mom and dad trying to open a bottle of wine together- dad held the bottle between his legs and mom was pulling
-aunt being ridiculously amused anytime anyone said or referred to balls
-balls becoming the running joke of the trip
-getting a HUGE voucher for switching planes on the way back! enough for 1-2 flights! we just had to wait two hours which wasn't a big deal. worth.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Aug 11 2016, 11:28 AM
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i'm having something of an existential crisis at the moment. cue whiny rant mode.

shoulder is not doing better, not at all. i tried to go back to work, i was very positive that it was on the mend. it did feel better after colorado but i suppose resting for 11 days will do that. first day- not great. came home and iced it and rested. yesterday? hell. fucking hell. i had a very light day, 2 baths, 2 face/feet/tails (barely more than a bath), and 1 easy groom. that groom was the worst for me, i can't even hold my fucking shoulder up (it feels heavy), never mind maneuver my scissors properly.

i feel worthless.

originally i moved back in with my parents for the emotional and mental support, and to save some money back to buy property eventually. it was never a necessity, but now i feel trapped. don't get me wrong, i love them to death, but i want to be on my own. now i can't even fucking work?? how long am i going to be out of my job? i've spent YEARS building up my clientele and reputation, i'm booked through february of next year. how will this affect things? i'm fucking scared.

i try so hard to look at things from a positive perspective and to be an overall happy person but fuck i wish life would stop shitting on me.

-trying to escape a shitty situation with my ex and all the bullshit/mind games he put me through
-losing so much of what i'd amassed because it wasn't worth trying to deal with him to get it back
-and dealing with the financial hell he put me through as i tried to worm away from his claws
-coping with my problem with alcohol
-making the hard choices to cut out toxic people in my life
-my brother losing his fucking mind (again) getting off his meds and becoming violent and crazy
-watching my parents age and suffer because of the hell he put them through as he faced and dealt with homelessness/the legal repercussions of his episode of crazy
-having people i thought were friends turn their backs on me or create situations where i had to turn from them (aka confessing feelings for me while knowing how damaged i've felt and how unhealthy i've been)
-dealing with my health as i find out more and more about my hormonal issue/thyroid problems/blood glucose issues with having an insulin intolerance

now this. now i can't even fucking work.

you know, i have repeatedly heard from people (my brother not withstanding) about getting on disability and living off of the government when they are perfectly capable of working. i don't understand that fucking mentality. i'm a work-a-holic, i NEED to work to feel fulfilled. now my entire career is on the line, all of my plans rely on me having this job, on me making the same amount of money as i am now.
i know i can get another job, and i probably will have to, but the point is that i will be starting anew because if this is a long term thing there's no way i can continue to groom if this is as bad as it feels.

i already know what i have to do, it's just so fucking defeating. i'm tired of pretending that i'm positive to try and trick myself into actually believing it.

my shoulder hurts so badly which worries me. i know i have a very high pain tolerance. i have had doctors tell me as much. i have never taken painkillers in my life aside from when i had my ovary and ovarian cyst taken out via cesarean at 13. not for my wisdom teeth, not for literally any other pain or procedure. right now i'm keeping them up and alternating with ibuprofen and it barely touches it. it just makes me care less if that even makes sense.

i'm just feeling really, really down right now. looking at the medical bills i'm going to be facing and my savings and feeling really fucking defeated.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Aug 13 2016, 09:17 AM
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i'm spamming the blogs. sorry sorry

ok, so i'm not feeling QUITE so sorry for myself currently.

went to the doc yesterday and i didn't pull my rotator cuff, i have bursitis which is where my bursa is inflamed and pressing into my rotator cuff making for painful movement. i also have degenerative disc disease which is somewhat disappointing but apparently not as worrisome as it sounds.

so he did an ultrasound and gave me a depo shot, which was kinda cool because i could see the needle in my shoulder between the rotator cuff and bursa. didn't really hurt, but they numbed it some. let me tell you what though, it has been killing me since yesterday. the shot is very thick for one, and for two he manipulated my arm a LOT. it's sore as fuck now and i can barely sleep. he did put me on heavier pain meds, hopefully i can at least get some sleep on them. i'm exhausted.

it's rough because i've lost a lot of functionality, i can still dress myself (barely) but i can't dry and brush my hair like normal, i can't drive at all, and i can't do stuff like... open a jar. it's kinda pathetic but i'm done feeling sorry for myself with it.

i have 4-6wks of physical therapy ahead of me at the minimum. best case scenario, i'm out of work a week. (probably not gonna happen) worst case, 6wks. so it's not the end of the world but it still fucking sucks. i gotta go 3 times a week to the pro for the arm, and do this thing 2x a day at home- it looks like a torture device. it's like this neck brace that you hang water from over a door? lol... yeahhh.

BUT there's the path to getting better. gotta do what i gotta do.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Sep 8 2016, 06:32 PM
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ahhh shit.

i smell like biofreeze and freezer burn constantly anymore.


i've been pretty quiet about what's been going on, mostly because no one likes a whiner, and that's all i seem to be doing lately. i suppose this is my blog though. if i can't whine here where can i?

so my arm. my what a shit storm this has turned into.
the doctor had told me when he gave me the depo shot into my bursa that this was also a diagnostic move. i was presenting with mixed symptoms he said, apparently when you have pain in your shoulder blade it is ALWAYS from the neck. well, i didn't think much of it, mostly because the shoulder hurt so fucking bad. he said, this shot will do one of two things, it will make you feel 1000% better or your symptoms will get worse. apparently when you have neck and or spine problems it can trickle down and cause issues with your shoulders? hm.

well, me being me, i'm like ya ok whatever doc this is gonna fix errything i know it. so i start going to pt, doing all my home exercises, stop with the contraption at the therapist's recommendation since my pain was increasing. i have done nothing but rest and ice and do my exercises.
it hasn't gotten better. not at ALL.

in fact, things have gotten progressively worse. my shoulder is fine, shoulder stopped hurting forever ago. my neck has become a source of daily agony. not just my neck, my entire back.

i was putting on a good face for the pt, but this really wasn't getting me anywhere since he was increasing my work load and i would be completely out of commission for the next two some days at least. so finally i told him that i was barely leaving my bed for the next day or two after pt and he was like... uhm that's not good. so he suggests dry needling. someone said to me: oh that's just acupuncture that's all that is.
actually no it's fucking not. they use a needle similar to acupuncture needles and i think it's considered like acupuncture in some ways, but it's much deeper and actually very fucking painful. basically, they find all of your worst hurty spots, pinch them, then stick a long needle into the muscle and wiggle it all around until your muscles contract. it's supposed to help release all of the shit in the knots, but it hurts like hell. also makes you flop around like a fish. that was not fun. so that sucked. also it did nothing to help me.

so here i am, supposed to have been back to work by now and it's going on week 4 that i've been out because of my mysterious issues. after my break up, i moved in with my parents. not out of financial necessity, but because i needed the mental and emotional support, also... i was scared of my ex. he was acting like a crazed lunatic and i was afraid of what he'd do if he found out where i was living if i was living alone.
anyhow, it's really fucking fortunate now because i haven't been able to work at ALL. some days, i can barely make it out of bed. i'm in a constant state of pain, i can't lift or do anything for myself which is sort of frightening. i can't even clean my own fucking room or do my own laundry and trust me i've tried. it ends up with me feeling a 1000 times worse, i just hurt myself. let me tell you, there is nothing more humiliating than having your mother do your goddam laundry as an adult. folding your fucking underwear (i told her to not. i can fold fucking laundry. she just does it before i can beat her to it.) cleaning your fucking room because you can't push the vacuum. i have kept it organized but i can't do the heavy cleaning. this is seriously depressing, i feel like the most worthless pile of shit on the planet. i'm draining my savings trying to keep up with my medical bills, but they're stacking up so damn fast. my parents have been offering over and over to help me financially which i said no to for a long time, but i'm in too much of a rough spot to decline anymore.

my mri is on monday and that's over $500. i just got a $500 bill from the orthopedic for things that weren't covered by my insurance. pt was $100 a week- though my doctor told me to stop doing that until the mri comes back. just.... fuck. and i can't work.

on top of that i am scared. i don't understand why i'm getting weaker, or why i'm dropping weight so fast, or why my pain isn't getting better with rest. sometimes when i try to pull on a shirt or shampoo my hair i must put my head at an angle that shoots pain through my spine. i'm so exhausted anymore- though i suppose that could be depression. i barely have an appetite, i try to eat though to avoid losing the weight. i can't drive, i can barely go anywhere because trying to sit in any sort of seat that doesn't support my head and juuuust the right angle is misery. and every single morning when i wake up, i feel like i'm hung over. only i'm not. i will admit, when my pain pills ran out (i made 15 last 3 weeks) i did drink a bunch of wine. i was hurting and just wanted anything to ease it for even just a little while. however, it isn't helping my physical state so i'm not drinking. i feel like i have been though, every morning. my head is pounding, my body is stiff, and i felt like i got no sleep.

OH YEAH. sleep. hahaha. what is that even? when your entire upper body hurts, it's really hard to find any angle to lie in that isn't causing horrific pain. i've tried sitting up, reclining, laying down, 5 different pillows... everything. i'm just so damn tired. i 'sleep' over 12 hours a day. probably close to 14-16 now. i dunno. maybe it's because the quality is so bad. maybe it is depression. i don't fucking know right now. i'm just scared of this, i don't understand why i'm not better and i'm afraid of what the mri will say.
at least they gave me some more pain pills. so for a little while i'm not in total misery.

feeling pretty fucking defeated. not gonna lie.

user posted image


in other news, i have started school. thankfully it's online, though i do have to take some tests at the school- not looking forward to that.
anyhow, world religion class is a breeze and interesting. math is satan's armpit but i have been doing pretty well. i have gotten a 100 on everything up until a quiz- i got a 97. pretty happy with that i guess.

also i want an axolotl. baby water dragons so cute.
whenever i finally get on my feet and manage to move out, i have a 65gal tank i used as a FOWLR setup. i was planning on making that a planted. i'll have to be careful with plant choice goes, simply because axxies like cold water without a ton of light, but i'll probably be getting some for the planted tank. so excited to aquascape.
i really like the golden albino coloration.
user posted image
user posted image

also this though it's completely unique. STILL. look at him. he is majestic as fuck.
user posted image
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Sep 19 2016, 07:55 PM
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so the insurance denied my MRI and i had to pay out of pocket. it got denied because WANDA in the back at the ortho's office neglected to tell the insurance that i had indeed tried alternate treatments first. (PT and pain control both count.) my MRI appt kept getting pushed back because of this whole process, so i only just had it done today. guess what? I'M INCREDIBLY CLAUSTROPHOBIC! i really didn't know this. i've crawled in small spaces before and been fine, but something about being unable to move with my head strapped down in a teeny tube? the guy had to stop and ask if i was okay the first time, i was being a huge baby. it's embarrassing now but at the time i was too upset to care. so i spent 35 mins straight crying, eyes squeezed shut, fists clenched around the little emergency button. i wanted to just thrash around and scream, it felt like i was in a coffin. i felt like i was suffocating.

initially i had said yes, i wanted to do the open MRI after he stopped the first time, but they didn't have one there, it would be more money, and i'd have to make another appt. after all of the bs i went through i figured i just needed to try my best. thank god for writing, that's all i got to say. i just thought REALLLLLL hard about characters and plots, and tried my best to not hyperventilate. also laying on that flat board sucked for my neck. even with the little neck vice thing or whatever. i've had a massive headache all day and my shoulder blade is killing me. again.

so we'll see what that says on thursday. the dude said i done good so i guess the scan turned out nice and clear.

also, it's never ending with my brother. he got accused of rape last week. my poor fucking parents. at some point i'm going to write a post about him and his fucking crazy, but i just don't have the energy to think about him right now.

my brother lives in a like... assisted/independent living for crazy people sort of thing? but not quite looney bin level. they have their own space, like a bedroom and bathroom but no kitchen- they have a cafeteria. anyways, apparently he's friends with this couple and the boyfriend was going to his parent's house for a few days and asked my bro to keep an eye on the girlfriend since she forgets to take her meds and stuff. so she invited him back to her room and they played video games until really late and my bro told her that she needed to take her meds. well he took his too (they're like sedatives, he's on some HEAVY shit) and he passed out for a little while. then apparently he left and went back to his room. well next day she started telling everyone he raped her, but refused to get a rape kit done or report it to the police. i guess the facility has had this issue with her before and so they didn't believe her story, which is good for my bro.
idk what happened obviously, since i wasn't there, but i actively hate my brother with everything in me and i don't believe he's capable of raping anyone. i really don't. he's a creep but i don't see him doing something like that.

i really hate when girls lie about being raped, it means the next girl who actually IS raped is less likely to be believed. it's so fucked. how could you do that? WHY?
i guess there's no sense in thinking about it too much since it is a crazy house. no one there is capable of functioning in a normal setting, or they wouldn't be there.
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Bleedpretty
 Posted: Sep 24 2016, 10:21 AM
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we're getting a pupper today. i'm kind of excited.
my mom fosters labs, this lil baby didn't have anywhere so she's taking him on. he's young for this house though, our youngest dog is 6? 7? but hey, i feel like a pup could be fun right now.

the girl who accused my brother of rape wrote him a letter confessing that she only had done it for attention. now she wants to be friends again. my brother, being the intelligent creature he is, sees nothing wrong with this and has decided to continue on their friendship... after she told the entire building that he raped her, thus making him a complete outcast.
just never ceases to amaze me the sort of choices he makes. repeatedly trusts people who don't deserve it, giving them his all and yet treating the people in his life who actually care about him (lol not me, my parents) like complete trash.

i'll have to post a picture of the puppy at some point. we get to name him too, which is fun.
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